Shattering
by E-sama the Llama
Summary: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference? (Gojyo Hakkai) Dark, Yaoi, Angst, Romance, etc. Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc". Giftfic for Jadesword.
1. Tragedy Strikes

It is with distinct pleasure that I invite you to share with me in a special belated 21st birthday greeting to Jadesword in the form of the following angst-laden story. Hopefully, this will catch her completely by surprise and since I've done my best to tailor certain elements to her likes and dislikes, I sincerely hope that it brings her a smile or two.

Details regarding how this tale came into creation are available at my own page (username "e_sama") at LiveJournal.com for those of you who are interested.

Due to fanfiction.net's anti-lemon policy, the two stories that fall between "Fateful Encounters" and this one are not available here. They are, however, at MediaMiner.org and are "Happy Birthday, Baby" and "Best Wishes, Gojyo", both of which are heavily referenced in this piece. That said, it is worth mentioning that this tale does *not* include lemon, hence it will be posted here as well as MM.org. 

Uplifting comments are more than welcome and will help determine whether this is the end of this particular story arc or not.

Enjoy the Angst!

Enigma, a.k.a. E-sama the Llama

(who firmly believes there can never be enough stories featuring this wonderful pairing and hopes some other fans share that view)

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Title: Shattering [chapter 1/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc" 

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R 

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai) 

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers. 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

On November nineteenth, Gojyo found himself solo, leaning self-indulgently against a tree in a small parkland outside yet another nameless village encountered during the epic journey westward that he and his comrades were enduring. 

With a relieved smile, he gazed up at a cloudless, early afternoon sky that was so intensely blue that it almost hurt his wine-colored eyes. Chuckling softly to himself, he remarked rhetorically, "Looks like another fabulously rain-free, low angst day." He was obviously thinking of his lover's reactions to such things more than his own as he stated, "Good. One less thing to worry about."

Deciding that the best way to celebrate such a promising observation was with a cigarette, Gojyo crouched down so he could search through the bags sitting on the grass near his feet. The parcels represented his own efforts to make their stopover in this less than exciting place a quick one since Sanzo had proclaimed rather loudly that they were staying here only long enough for him to find supplies for the maintenance of his overused Smith & Wesson. 

Rummaging through several six-packs of beer, a few other bottles of alcoholic beverages, as well as two cartons of cigarettes, his fingers brushed something that elicited yet another chuckle. 

"I don't much think I want to leave *that* in there," Gojyo remarked as he pulled forth a small bottle filled with a clear, colorless fluid that he immediately secreted in one of the large pockets of his beige pants. With a slight frown, he recalled the incorrectly knowing expression on the face of the apothecary he had purchased it from who had assured him that it was the gentlest of the baby oils that he sold. 

Muttering to himself, the half-breed grumbled under his breath, "Well, it damned well better be the gentlest. It's for *my* 'baby' after all and if this pathetic excuse for a town had a fucking sex shop like most decent-sized places, I'd rather have gotten some top-quality lube instead. Oh well. It's better than nothing which is all we had left after our layover at that farm last week."

A small smirk quirked the corner of his mouth as he recalled the wonderful hayloft that Hakuryu had found for them to use for their recent trysts. The dragon who was currently accompanying Hakkai had thoroughly endorsed their relationship from the very start, suffering physical injury even to gain them recovery time two months prior. 

Trying not to think too much about the utterly wonderful way that he and his soulmate had celebrated their birthdays that year, he set about getting a pack of his favorite cigarettes out of the new carton. 

Rising to his feet after that task was completed and then leaning against the tree that was the group's designated rendezvous point, Gojyo pulled out the silver-plated lighter that had been a gift from his lover. Like usual, he paused to admire the death's head symbol on it before happily using it to ignite the hi-lite that dangled casually from his sensual lips.

While taking in a long, slow drag, Gojyo turned his face skywards once more enjoying the warmth of the sun as he wondered how soon his beloved housemates might rejoin him. Of course, he would rather have accompanied Hakkai when he had gone off in search of provisions as well as some food for the lunch break that they planned to take before departure. However, the characteristically ill-tempered blond priest had vetoed that with an unusual warning that he had a bad feeling about this place and that the sooner they were gone, the better.

With an angry huff of breath, Gojyo grumbled, "Whatever bug's crawled up Sanzo's ass had better not be another bunch of damned weirdoes sent by Kougaiji's whackjob step-mom. That damned bitch hasn't got the sense of justice my bro's 'liege' has and I really don't want to muck around with more crap like those freaky faux-mini-monks."

His expression turned dark for a moment as he recalled the incident involving the ninjinka tree, but it didn't last long and with a shrug he set that worry aside entirely. After all, they had defeated the pathetic Goku and Lirin clones almost too easily and the only thing he truly regretted about the incident was that the youkai princess' elder half-brother and his own half-brother hadn't come to reclaim her as they usually did.

"I would've liked getting to see Jie--um, no, I mean 'Dokugakuji' again," Gojyo said with a nod. Before taking in another lungful of smoke, he added unhappily, "He and I *really* need to sit down and have a good heart-to-heart sometime soon. Get caught up on shit and all that good stuff."

As the acrid smoke burned its way down his throat, he pondered yet again what type of relationship his brother and Kougaiji really shared. 

During their brief time together during the first encounter with Chin Iisou, it had been completely clear to Gojyo if to no one else that there was more going on than the usual relationship between a sworn protector and the one he was guarding. Then again, it was entirely possible that his own soul-deep connection with Hakkai caused him to unfairly assume such things. 

After finishing his cigarette with a final, hard draw before flicking the butt away uncaringly, Gojyo ran both hands through lengthy, sanguine hair that was held back by his blue headband as always. Encountering a small snarl that he had failed to eliminate with his hurried brushing that morning, he considered asking Hakkai to help him with it wherever they ended up for the night. 

He remembered how damned good it always felt when he brushed it for him and it was a valid excuse for closeness even if they were stuck camping out in the open. Not even Sanzo could take exception to something so seemingly innocent, or at least, that was what he hoped.

Thoughts of the blond priest brought to mind the human's constant companion and this in turn, gave Gojyo another reason to laugh to himself as he remarked, "I wonder if the monkey is behaving while Sanzo tries to find something that'll work for his gun? I doubt it." His nose had already detected the wonderful aromas wafting from what he assumed was a nearby marketplace and he just shook his head. "Nope, not a chance in hell the kid's not whining and begging to be fed even though 'Kai went to get us all lunch, but that shouldn't be a sur--" 

Gojyo's words were interrupted by a sudden explosion that erupted from the direction that the fragrance of cooking food had come. His long-lashed eyes went impossibly wide as a greasy ball of smoke shot straight up and then mushroomed out hugely, shading the people below who were unfortunate enough to be nearby. 

"Holy fuck!" Gojyo exclaimed inelegantly as he automatically sprang into a battle-ready posture and then was momentarily paralyzed like a life-sized version of a child's toy. 

Within seconds, the agonized screams of those beneath the cloud reached his ears. This brought to mind a realization that if the marketplace was the best place to pick up items for a picnic, then that was exactly where a very important green-eyed youkai would most likely have been and this launched him into action. 

"Hakkai!" Gojyo shouted uselessly even as he raced away from the already forgotten supplies.

No matter how much he wished it was otherwise, the half-breed's booted feet simply didn't traverse the distance fast enough. Deep inside himself, the voice of a long dead warrior was raised in a similar cry, but as always Gojyo could not hear Kenren or even grant him control when an experienced military man might have handled things better than he himself did. 

There were too many squatting, crowded buildings and too-narrow twisting walkways between them for him to make good time. All he knew for a few horrific minutes was that somewhere ahead of him, the sounds of men and women screaming in pain were growing louder and louder, yet none of them matched the pained shouts that he would never forget from the day of Chin Iisou's horrors.

The absence of Hakkai's cries gave him false hope, something he discovered the moment he broke past the last of the hovels blocking his path. 

Once more frozen by the shocking tableau before him, Gojyo felt the heat of the remains of a burning food stall from quite a distance and shielding his face with a hand, he scanned the many bodies strewn in front of the conflagration. 

Those farthest from the fiery site were struggling to their feet intending to help the others who were less fortunate, whereas those closest were ominously motionless even as wisps of smoke rose from their lifeless bodies. In between these disparate groups were those whose fates were less certain and it was in this third group that he found the person he had feared finding there, face down and clearly unmoving. 

"HAKKAI!!" Gojyo shouted at the top of his lungs even as he pushed past the few stunned onlookers and survivors that separated them. Totally disregarding the increasing heat as he struggled to get closer to his fallen lover, the half-breed failed to note a somewhat soot-darkened white form that clumsily winged its way towards him.

"Kyu!!" Hakuryu keened in a voice roughened by smoke and agony of its own. 

Barely able to tear his gaze from Hakkai long enough to confirm what his ears told him, Gojyo shouted, "Dragon! Is he alive?! Is Hakkai okay?!" Fear filled garnet-hued eyes told him nothing, but the uncertainty in the responding kyu was all he needed to move more forcefully past the last obstacles and then drop to his knees onto the ground beside someone more important to him than life itself. 

There was no way that only a glance would tell him if Hakkai was living or dead, however. The fabric of every garment the converted youkai wore had been torn to shreds in various places leaving paths for blood to run freely from him to lay in an expanding crimson pool around his body. [1] Even the silken lavender sash now fluttered in the heated air from the fire in thin ribbons like a sad flag on a battlefield. 

Nearby, shattered beyond use, lay a familiar monocle which would never again grace a simple leather pouch lovingly given as a birthday gift less than two months prior. Thankfully, there was not an additional trio of metal earclips laying there, too. If Hakkai had lost his power limiters as well as his monocle, things could have gone from terrible to catastrophic in a hurry. 

Also nearby yet unnoted were several packages of steaming carry-out containers that had been filled at the same stand that was now ablaze. 

Through what seemed like random chance yet was actually divine intervention, Hakkai had completed his purchases and had turned to walk away mere seconds before the blast erupted. If he had remained there when the container of highly flammable cooking fuel had been knocked over and thereby caused the explosion which had left the stall's employees charred lumps of flesh, he, too would have been as dead as many of the other unfortunates around him. 

Throat closing up due to emotions he did not even bother to try to suppress, Gojyo pleaded quietly, "Please, baby, don't be dead…" His words trailed away as he placed a trembling pair of fingers against the side of Hakkai's throat. The relief that he felt when he detected a pulse was like cool water to a parched throat and with a joyous expression that was premature, he turned to the dragon nearby and exulted, "He's alive, Hakuryu! Hakkai's gonna be okay!" 

"Kyu!" Hakuryu responded with a doubtful smile and then added worriedly, "Kyu?" 

Shaking his head, Gojyo answered, "I don't know for sure how bad off he is, dragon, give me a sec." With the greatest care, he gently gathered Hakkai into his arms, not only revealing the additional damage that had previously been hidden but also the truth that it would be quite awhile before he could be described as "okay" by any save the most blind of optimists. 

The front of his clothes was not as tattered or torn as the back had been since it had been shielded from the various bits of shrapnel expelled by the blast, yet the skin on the side of Hakkai's face had been shredded by impact with the rocky, unpaved street. As blood flowed freely from the severely torn cheek, more did the same from a serious wound that had actually ripped through the forest green headband around his forehead. 

Even though the implications of these two injuries alone were almost more than Gojyo could bear, he forced his eyes back into motion. He felt a chill of dread as he saw that the palms of Hakkai's hands were as badly damaged as his face had been. These new injuries brought to mind the damage done by a large splinter encountered while chopping wood outside a farmhouse and with a groan, Gojyo admitted these wounds made that incident seem like nothing. 

In the first reassuring bit of news, there was thankfully no sign of blood coming from either torso or legs, but that did nothing to assure that there weren't broken bones hiding within the tattered garments. 

As he gathered the motionless body into his increasingly gory arms more firmly and tried valiantly not to scream out in sorrow, Gojyo absently noticed when one of Hakkai's shoes slipped off his foot and bumped into the other one where it had been laying. If there had not been so much other damage to judge the situation by, the fact that the former teacher had been literally blown out of his shoes by the force of the explosion would have clarified matters completely. 

"Oh, gods, 'Kai," Gojyo moaned in mounting terror, "don't die on me, baby! Please, don't die!" 

With a mournful kyu, Hakuryu limped closer and nuzzled a dangling, bloodied hand that failed to respond. 

Luckily, the magical creature's own injuries had been only moderate since it had been on the wing headed away from the marketplace intending to alert Gojyo about Hakkai's imminent return when the blast occurred. Yet it had been close enough to have been caught by the edge of the concussive wave following the explosion and had been slammed into a building because of it. 

Despite the fact that he was unable to even acknowledge the screams, shouts, and cries of the humans around him, Gojyo could hear the quiet expression of draconic misery and that helped him gather his wits enough to command, "Go get Sanzo and Goku, Hakuryu! Hakkai's too messed up for me to be able to do anything for him by myself!"

"Kyu!!" The dragon agreed and then rose into the air on unsteady wings which then carried it away as quickly as possible. The injuries it had suffered would ordinarily have ruled out flight at this point, but Hakuryu was as desperate as Gojyo was to aid Hakkai, therefore it would gladly risk hurting itself worse for its friends' sakes. 

Alone with the wreckage of the man who had changed almost every aspect of his life and had forced him to redefine his own senses of both self and sexuality, Gojyo barely held himself together mentally. 

There were tears in his eyes as they were in virtually all of those around him due to the noxious smoke surrounding them. Yet the ones in scarlet orbs burned with an agony unfelt in three long years. The last time Gojyo had wept the way that he was now was when Sanzo had relayed word that Gonou was dead and he did not regret his tears now any more so than he had then. 

The scorched wooden skeleton of the flaming food stall suddenly shuddered and collapsed. 

The noise caused Gojyo to reflexively tighten his hold on the blood-slicked body in his arms. There was no whimper of pain, no expression of discomfort, nothing at all from Hakkai, and that only made the tears flow down a scarred cheek more freely. 

Small, brightly glowing embers flew upwards in the thick smoke above the now dying fire and the crackle of the flames did nothing to soothe Gojyo's agony as he waited for the only ones he could rely on for help. He was unaware of it, but shock was setting in and his reactions were growing slower and his thoughts less organized with every passing moment. 

*****

Shortly thereafter, some of the townspeople formed a bucket brigade to extinguish the flames before they could spread throughout their crowded little town and bring a far greater disaster than they had already suffered. The sparks were especially dangerous, carrying potential destruction wherever the wind blew them. 

This would have been meaningless to Gojyo except that he was being urged to move by a uniformed official of some sort who commanded, "The two of you have got to get out of the way! If he's not already dead, get him over to where someone can help him, but if it's too late, get on your feet and help us fight this fire!" 

After whipping an anguished face upwards and staring wide-eyed at the man for a moment, Gojyo replied with far less force than he wanted to, "Fuck you! Hakkai's not dead! He can't die! I won't let him!" 

Startled by not only the fact that this was a complete stranger he was speaking to and not one of his constituents but also by the look of shocked fear in deep red eyes, the official replied as gently as he could, "Okay, okay, take it easy. He's not dead, that's good, I guess, but get yourselves out of the way, all right?" He gestured towards the smoldering heap and the buildings near it that were beginning to emit smoke of their own as he added urgently, "If we don't stop this here and now, the whole town will go up in flames!" 

Gojyo wanted to reply that he certainly did not give a tinker's damn about their little town, but his tongue was no longer responding to his brain's instructions. 

Instead, he just forced trembling legs into motion and he rose unsteadily before shambling towards what he assumed were local healers or hopefully doctors bent over some of the other victims. His uncertain feet had to wend their way past corpses and those in their death throes as well as those already mourning the dead. It was a hellish experience, to put it mildly. 

Upon reaching the small clump of survivors, Gojyo carefully knelt down, keeping Hakkai's horribly mutilated back in his arms rather than placing him upon the earthen walkway. As he was about to call out for someone, anyone, to come to his aid, the body in his arms finally stirred.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo begged simply by calling his lover's name. A wordless moan was his only reply and so he repeated more loudly, "Hakkai?! Can you hear me?!"

Eyelids fouled by dirt and blood struggled to open. After a false try or two, beloved green eyes were finally uncovered to Gojyo's great joy. However, they lacked clarity and were clearly unfocused. 

Before Gojyo could plead further, Hakkai's head lolled to one side and his gaze fell upon a fatally wounded, middle-aged woman who lay dying unattended nearby. The laundress' short, gray hair was arrayed around her careworn face like a dingy halo and near her lay the basket of clean linens she had been crossing the marketplace to deliver. 

A horribly lacerated hand rose shakily and pointed at the woman as Hakkai moaned, "Kanan!" 

A new sense of horror filled Gojyo's heart upon hearing the name of the child-like girl whose death more than three years past had very nearly cost Gonou his life as well as his sanity. Knowing full well that the dying woman looked nothing at all like the girl who had died by her own hand with Gonou's blade, he shook his head hurriedly and urged, "That's not Kanan, Hakkai! That's some stranger."

Empty emerald eyes rolled towards him and words that were worse than poisoned arrows to his heart fell from lips that he had kissed so often, "'Hakkai'? Who's that?" Not allowing a reply, the eyes slipped away once more and Hakkai feebly reached out again while pleading, "Kanan! She's injured, I must go to her!" 

"That is *not* Kanan, 'Kai!" The sense of anguish Gojyo felt intensified and he begged, "Baby, please! Stop this!" 

Due to the head wound that had torn his headband asunder, Hakkai could not comprehend the words that the man holding him was saying and simply repeated his own entreaty, "Kanan!" 

Giving in to Hakkai's frantic pleas since in his current state of shock it seemed better than to torture him by holding him back, Gojyo let his own tears of agony resume as he moved the brunette close enough to touch the dying woman. 

As her last breaths were shuddering through her smoke ruined lungs, the laundress was utterly unaware that she was not dying alone as she had always assumed that she would. 

Though they were horrible, painful things to hear, Gojyo heard Hakkai mumbling the name of his deceased girlfriend over and over, something that the half-breed simply could not bear. Turning his head away ostensibly to search for signs of Sanzo, Goku, and Hakuryu, he failed to note a faint green glimmer forming on the dripping palm of a ruined hand which bespoke of healing energy that was being uselessly invoked. 

The only thing that Hakkai's ki-channeling ability was accomplishing was draining what little vital force he himself had left, yet he was just as unaware of that fact as he was of the woman's death rattle as the final breath left her body. 

Gojyo, however, was not unaware of her passing and turned back intending to comfort the man he expected to be destitute. The sight of the familiar green glow which had saved his own life roughly two weeks earlier terrified him and he reached out to disconnect Hakkai's hand from the corpse while exclaiming, "No, Hakkai! You can't *do* that!" 

When his efforts were resisted with unexpected strength, he added urgently, "You've got to *stop* that, baby! You'll *kill* yourself if you keep trying to reanimate a damned corpse!"

Despite his attempts to interfere, there was no lessening of the wasteful flow of life energy from the man he was desperately trying to save. Things were rapidly spiraling completely out of control and Hakkai would most assuredly have killed himself if it were not for the timely arrival of a holy man and an immortal earth spirit who were lead by a faltering white dragon. 

"Gojyo! Hakkai!" Goku shouted above the screams and cries surrounding them as the newcomers pushed past the bucket brigade and the villagers involved in the tragic scene. 

"What the fuck happened?!" Sanzo cried out, the hem of his robe flapping behind him as he ran towards the two youkai on the ground.

Sudden hope dared to rise in Gojyo's eyes as he shouted back, "Hakkai's going to kill himself, Sanzo! I can't make him stop!" 

Intense iced amethyst eyes took in the scene before them and it is completely understandable that the blond snarled something truly foul when he noted the paranormal power being wasted so flagrantly. As one hand darted into a deep sleeve-pocket, Sanzo deliberately shoved Goku down onto the ground roughly so that his ward could not interfere with what he knew needed to be done. 

"Hey! Sanzo, what did you do *that* for?!" Goku demanded angrily since he'd been prevented from reaching the sides of his blood-drenched friends. Upset and confused, he scrambled back to his feet and hurried towards Gojyo and Hakkai with Hakuryu close behind him.

Sanzo totally ignored the boy's protests even as he pulled forth the infamous Smith & Wesson. Flipping the banishing gun so that the barrel was in his hand, the priest unerringly brought the butt down firmly on the back of Hakkai's skull, sending him into a state of profound unconsciousness and adding yet another injury to deal with later. 

The moment the green glow was extinguished and Hakkai's body went limp, Gojyo pulled his soulmate back against himself firmly and sighed, "Oh, thank the gods!" 

With a furious snort, Sanzo was about to retort that, no, it was thanks to him and not some nebulous, unreliable beings, yet he found his hands literally full with an enraged young youkai who had not seen the way that Hakkai was unwittingly committing suicide. 

Practically attacking Sanzo with his bare hands, Goku grappled with the taller man and demanded, "What the hell did you do *that* for, Sanzo?!? *Why* did you hurt Hakkai like that?!" There were tears of rage in his amber-gold eyes as he screamed, *Why*?!?"

Under other circumstances, Sanzo would have wrested his arms free of the anguished boy and no doubt would have laid into him with his paper fan, swatting him firmly until his point was made. This time, however, he showed amazing restraint and simply speared Goku with an intense gaze, forcing him to freeze before he commanded in a voice deep with emotion, "Look at them, Goku." He flicked his head towards the two youkai and added firmly, "Just *look* at them."

Sanzo saw the very essence of tragedy in the heart wrenching tableau created by two of his traveling companions. It reminded him of a touching statue in Rome, Italy, that the priest had seen a picture of during his education by his now deceased mentor. The image of an anguished mother cradling the form of her crucified son's corpse was unforgettable regardless of its religious implications. 

"Huh? Why, Sanzo?" Goku responded in bafflement, then turned to stare as Gojyo's head hung limply over Hakkai's unconscious form, agonized tears of fear, loss, and more etching wet trails down ruddy cheeks unchecked. Previously clenched hands loosened and let the saffron-colored robe they were crushing slip free as he turned towards the others. The sight of Hakkai's bloodied face and hands combined with the gore liberally splashed across Gojyo's own clothes hit him hard. 

Turning back to his guardian with new terror in his large, trusting eyes, Goku asked, "But why did you hit him with your gun? I just don't understand!" 

Carefully disengaging a powerful hand that had unwittingly dropped onto his leather-clad wrist where it clung fearfully, Sanzo replied as gently as he could considering his nature, "He was irrational and needed to be knocked out before he could hurt himself worse than he already was, Goku." Raw yet unspecified emotion filled his voice as he said, "Even Gojyo knew it and that's why he was so relieved when I did it."

Crestfallen, the umber-haired boy replied, "Oh." After a quick glance at the little dragon who had finally made its pained way back to its dearest friends and was currently keening softly, he added, "Is Hakkai going to die, Sanzo?"

Regaining some of his usual iciness, Sanzo snorted, "Not if *I* have anything to say about it! None of you lot are allowed to die unless *I* say so!" With an utter disregard for the sea of humanity surrounding them, he cleared his throat noisily and commanded, "Let's get out of here. Gojyo? Can you carry him or do I have to do it for you?" The second question was asked with a biting, scornful tone that was totally lost on his audience. 

"Say what?" Gojyo answered as he lifted his face to the man who seemed to tower above him. Smoke-tainted, crimson hair fell away from his tear stained face as he asked, "Where are we going?"

"What does it matter, idiot?" Sanzo replied and reached down as if to take Hakkai away from Gojyo who was clearly no longer functioning normally. Predictably, the half-breed tightened his grip on his wounded lover and then somehow struggled to his feet. As Goku moved to help Gojyo gain stable footing, the blond stated, "We'll go find some place in this flea-bitten town and hole up for awhile. Get a doctor to look at him or something."

Gojyo frowned and insisted wearily, "But Hakkai needs a hospital, Sanzo, not just a doctor!" 

While Goku was gathering Hakuryu's exhausted body into his arms, Sanzo growled derisively, "Do you really think a pathetic little broken-down piece of shit town like *this* has a hospital, moron?" Turning and beginning to walk away since he couldn't stand to see the defeated expression on the half-breed's face, he added with an aggravated sigh, "We'll be lucky if we can even find an inn or boarding house to stay in."

Rushing to catch up to the man who had saved him from a stone prison some years in the past, Goku offered, "I can go ask someone about it if you want me to, Sanzo."

After making sure he heard the steady plod of booted feet behind him, Sanzo reached for his cigarettes and lit one before replying, "Go ahead, bakasaru. *Somebody* in this damned group of fuck-ups ought to be good for something!" 

Ignoring the angry words since he knew they were intended to conceal the concern the human did not wish to express aloud, the immortal youth nodded and promised, "I'll be quick." After turning to look at Gojyo intending to offer words of encouragement yet finding them dying in his throat, Goku looked at Hakkai who dangled in Gojyo's arms so limply that he appeared already dead. Swallowing his own fear, he said, "I'll ask about doctors, too, okay, Sanzo?" 

Blowing out a puff of smoke, the priest responded, "Do whatever the hell you want, ape, just get your ass in gear and go do it!"

"Right away," Goku promised again and then dashed off intending to keep his word as quickly as possible. 

Duly noting that Gojyo had not said a word since they had risen and began leaving the abattoir that the marketplace had become, Sanzo drew in another deep, unsatisfying lungful of cigarette smoke. He wondered whether it would do any good to even try to talk to him at this point. With a firm shake of his head, he decided against it and simply kept walking, the assumption that Gojyo would continue to follow him regardless of their destination being unspoken. 

Awareness of his surroundings or even of the man ahead of him had dwindled to nothing as Gojyo trudged along holding close the only being worthy of his attention at that moment. Hakkai's head was turned towards him and the badly ravaged right side of his face was fully on display to his agonized red eyes. 

Clotting had already begun despite the fact that the wound had not been cleansed of the dirt from the street. Unfortunately, this only assured a higher likelihood of infection, something Gojyo had spent many hours fearing long ago when he had become a stranger's caretaker and nurse. 

Even though his tears had slowed to a trickle due to shock and exhaustion, Gojyo could not help the shuddering breath that left his body and sounded like he was still crying. It had taken him a very long time to accept the fact that he had fallen in love with the man whose life was hanging in the balance and the very real possibility that he would lose him before the day was out tore him deeply. Like his step-mother and even Jien, Hakkai was going to leave him behind and that thought brought a true sob of sorrow to his lips.

Glad that Gojyo could not see his face, Sanzo let his eyes close briefly in remembered pain of his own. 

Unbidden, images of his beloved mentor who had been slaughtered before his very eyes rose in Sanzo's mind's eye, and it was all he could do to force himself not to commiserate with Gojyo. Even though it seemed even more heartless than usual, he knew at least one of their group of five who traveled together had to remain calm and in control, so Sanzo took that role for himself as always. For once, though, he wished he could toss aside his aloof façade and reach out in fraternal care for the sorrowful soul behind him.

Being a leader was not the easy job so many people tended to think that it was. 

Wordlessly, Sanzo continued to put as much distance between himself and the smoldering remains of the marketplace behind them as possible without overtaxing the heavily burdened youkai behind him. 

Equally speechless, Gojyo kept placing one foot in front of the other and let the world pass him by as he fearfully counted each and every difficult breath that the body cradled against his chest breathed. Smoke inhalation would not be a fatal injury for Hakkai as it had been for the ill-fated laundress, but it would interfere with his survival to at least a minor extent. 

Some small distance away, a boy carrying an injured dragon exchanged what little he knew about the fiery destruction for information on housing and medical assistance, something he would soon share with his friends. 

Far away, above all of this and not directly involved at this point, a beautiful goddess watched over her warriors not the least bit remorseful for the loss of human life caused by her need to force the Sanzo-ikkou to become stronger. Considering the fact that if Gyumaou was resurrected the entire human race might be destroyed, the deaths of some random townsfolk seemed an insignificant price to pay.

The act of tempering steel involved the flames of a forge, the blows of hammers, and the quenching chill of water. Using this as inspiration, Kanzeon bosatsu had chosen to use fire and injury to challenge not only Hakkai but also those who journeyed with him as well to see if they could rise above their current levels of inner strength. 

As long as the Sanzo-ikkou were the goddess' chosen weapons, they were destined to be subjected to one horrible ordeal after another, yet somehow what was to come of this most recent trial exceeded even her own expectations. In truth, it had never even once occurred to the celestial being that instead of bending and becoming more powerful, Hakkai might shatter entirely and that was an error that could cost too dearly if her other emissaries were not strong enough to bear it. 

*****

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

[1] Please note that since this is a giftfic for Jadesword, I've specifically included one of her favorite phrases regarding Hakkai. Whereas I've always used "human-turned-youkai" to remind myself if no one else that he was once a normal man, she prefers a term to highlight the change slightly differently. I hope she will enjoy seeing her phrase here in my fic in homage to her own delightful fanfiction.

Please be advised: Chapter 1 will be posted alone.

Posted: 21 October 2003 ~2:30am EDT


	2. Shocking Aftermath

Greetings.

Before turning you loose on the next quite lengthy chapter of my latest "Saiyuki" piece, let me take a moment to thank all of those who have shown support for this story here at ff.net. With the restrictions that keep "R" rated pieces from being listed under the "Just in" category, I truly appreciate the fact that some of those who have made an effort to find this story have taken the time to let me know they enjoy it.

A special note to not only dear chiefraz, but also to anyone else who is worried: I do not write unlabeled death fics. Ever. So please continue reading with confidence that Hakkai will not die by my muses' hands and neither will any of the other regular series characters throughout this story arc. 

Once again, thank you all for your support! It means a lot to me and hopefully everyone who comes back for the second chapter will continue to be pleased as the plot thickens and the sorrow deepens.

Enjoy the angst,

Enigma

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Title: Shattering [chapter 2/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc" 

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R 

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai) 

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers. 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

On the morning of the twenty-third, Gojyo slowly made his way to the room where his injured soulmate lay as silently as he had the entire time since he had been brought there. 

As he padded quietly up the stairs of the small inn where they had taken up residence, Gojyo carried two cups of hot coffee as well as an increasingly heavy heart. Thanks to Goku's information gathering efforts, they had found not only a place to stay, but they had also discovered that the village they were now trapped in not only had no hospital, it also had no real doctors and that had been a terrible blow. 

With a sigh, the half-breed commented to himself, "I'd sell my goddamned soul to have had Zan or Long here four days ago." Taking a sip of the coffee without even tasting it as it burned his tongue, he remembered the two physicians who had not only saved Gonou's life but had become good friends as well. If either of them had been present, it would not have been a solid day and a half before Hakkai could have received the aid that he required. 

Messengers from the townsfolk had gone to the closest city seeking assistance and several doctors came to help the day after the fire, but they had not gotten to Hakkai until over 36 hours had elapsed following the disaster. This had been more than enough time for certain complications to have set in, but what was worse was that he had desperately needed a blood transfusion that was slow to come. 

Once both Gojyo and Goku had been able to share their blood with Hakkai much as Gojyo and Kiko had with Gonou three years in the past, however, things had at least stopped getting worse even though they did not get demonstrably better. 

Fever had been a problem, too. Luckily, the analgesics in the Sanzo-ikkou's first aid kit which resided in Hakuryu's jeep form could address that issue for the short time until a doctor administered antibiotics. 

The only thing that had not been a problem was the supply of bandages which was relatively endless once the innkeeper sterilized some sheets that were then torn into strips. Bound in roll after roll of white linen, Hakkai had looked rather like a mummy Goku had read about in a manga once. The unearthly boy was wise enough, of course, to never compare him to one of the undead monsters when Gojyo might have heard him. 

For the moment, Hakkai was alive, yet the lack of improvement implied dangerous possibilities and the doctor who had examined him most recently had been tired enough due to overwork and exhaustion to say so pointblank. The fact that particular practitioner had been at the bedsides of several other survivors who had succumbed to their injuries that day had left him weary and too easily convinced that death would still claim Hakkai as easily as it had the others.

"I *really* didn't need to hear shit like that," Gojyo grumbled miserably as he walked down the short hallway to the room he was sharing with all four of his traveling companions. 

Since the tiny town had only one inn and it, too, was small, the visiting doctors and the few nurses who had come with them were using all of the other guest rooms. There were distinct advantages to this arrangement, though. The close proximity of the physicians meant help was often nearby if Hakkai's condition suddenly deteriorated. 

Of greater importance to Gojyo, sharing the room with Sanzo, Goku, and Hakuryu meant their injured comrade would rarely be left alone even when he himself was forced to leave the room for one unavoidable reason or another. 

As had happened in the past, there were only two beds available for the quintet. 

Just as they had done when incarcerated briefly in the town where they had met foolish imitators of themselves, Hakkai had one bed and Sanzo had the other. Goku and Gojyo made due with improvised bedrolls of pillows and blankets on the floor. Actually, the former lady's man was more than happy to "make do" in such a fashion and had been able to catch moments of rest when leaning against Hakkai's bed as he had done three years in the past. 

The innkeeper who had been assured that the Sanbutusin's gold card would cover their numerous extra expenses had also provided them with a small table and some chairs, so it really was not as uncomfortable as it might have been otherwise. 

Stopping to knock on the door of their room with one of the mugs, Gojyo called just loudly enough to be heard, "Oi, Sanzo, can ya get the door? My hands are full."

The rustle of what he rightly assumed was a newspaper being folded preceded the opening of the door and when a man with priestly robes dangling negligently from his belted waist glared at him, Gojyo forced a half-smile and offered, "Coffee?" 

Accepting the mug with a growl, Sanzo snapped, "I wondered where the hell you'd gotten off to." 

Clad in his skin-tight black leather bodysuit and gloves with his bare shoulders exposed to the cool air of the room, the sutra-bearer projected an image of sensuality that did not even register on his comrades any longer. To them, Sanzo was just Sanzo and if he had happened to prefer nudity, he would have been naked instead without a second thought or apology to any who took offense at seeing far more of him than they wanted to. 

As Sanzo reseated himself in a chair by the table and set aside the overly hot coffee, Gojyo stared at one of Hakkai's heavily bandaged hands. Only the tips of his fingers showed and their lifelessness drove another razor-sharp shard of grief into his already agonized heart. 

"Well? Going to tell me what the hold-up was on my damned coffee or is it some kind of fucking mystery?" Sanzo inquired archly as he picked up his pack of Marlboros, shook one free, and placed it between his lips. 

Startled out of his reverie, Gojyo noted the cigarette and set aside his coffee before producing his engraved lighter and offering Sanzo a light even as he got a hi-lite for himself, too. When the priest leaned towards the tiny flame, he answered, "No mystery, Sanzo, it's just that I had to wait on the coffee to brew and while I did, I was talking to the innkeeper's wife." 

Rubbing at the back of his head in an unwitting gesture of self-comfort, Gojyo further explained, "There's going to be some kind of service for the victims of the fire in a day or two. Someone asked her if she thought you might be willing to preside over it and I was trying to convince her to tell them 'no'."

Forcing a ribbon of smoke out between his teeth in annoyance, Sanzo replied, "Good call for once, baka. I don't chant sutras for the dead. You already know that."

Nodding and recalling the first pain-filled dawn when he had heard words along those lines, Gojyo nodded and crumpled down into an empty chair. Letting his arms lay impotently across his thighs, he sighed, "Yeah, I know."

Silence fell over them for a short time as they smoked their cigarettes and eventually took a few sips of coffee. Neither particularly missed the absent Goku who had joined the members of the community trying to rebuild the partially destroyed marketplace or Hakuryu who had gone with him. 

In point of fact, it had been Sanzo who had suggested that Goku join the townsfolk with their reconstruction project. 

The worried youth had done precious little for the first two days that they had been there but pace and fret. Once there was even a small improvement in Hakkai's condition, Sanzo had insisted that Goku go find something useful to do and it did not matter what that might be as long as he was gone from the room. Of course, it turned out that the boy's incredible strength and stamina were coming in handy and the residents of the town truly appreciated his help. 

An unexpected side benefit of sending Goku back to the scene of the disaster had been the reacquisition of Hakkai's monocle. The broken eyepiece was not as useless as it might have seemed to Gojyo initially. The prescription could still be ascertained from the lens and it was now in the hands of the town's only optician who was attempting to replicate it.

The musical clink of an empty coffee mug accidentally colliding with a ceramic ashtray brought both men out of their inattentive states.

"Um, sorry," Gojyo mumbled and belatedly realized that he should have been looking at the table instead of at Hakkai when he put down his mug.

"Klutz," Sanzo responded. Deciding he had waited long enough to ask something that had been preying on his mind for a while, he finished his own coffee and set aside his mug. He then reached for his Marlboros while inquiring, "So, finally feel like telling me what the hell was going on before I had to knock Hakkai out? You've put me off about that for long enough and I damned well deserve to know." 

Casting the human a sidelong glance through a veil of lengthy crimson bangs, the half-youkai considered refusing as he had each and every time Sanzo had asked previously. The simple act of thinking about that horrible afternoon caused him a throbbing ache in the middle of his chest and he preferred not to have to face it again. However, Sanzo was quite correct about being entitled to an explanation as leader of their sorrow beset troupe. 

With a sigh, Gojyo nodded slowly and said, "I've been trying not to think about it because it makes me hurt right here," he gestured towards his heart with his thumb, "but you're right. I do owe you that much and probably more."

With a snort, Sanzo lit his cigarette and grumbled, "Damned straight about *that*, asshole."

Shrugging in wordless apology, Gojyo sighed deeply and began by saying, "Well, like I've told you--and half a million other people it seems--when I found him in the street, Hakkai was face down in the dirt, ripped all to shreds and bleeding like a stuck pig." He leaned an elbow on the table and rested his forehead against the heel of his hand wearily as he continued, "But some jerk made me move him and we ended up next to some old lady who was laying there dying. Anyway, Hakkai kinda woke up at that point, saw the woman and called her 'Kanan'."

With a nod, Sanzo's expression shifted slightly as he asked, "I know that's the name of his dead girlfriend, but was there any resemblance at all?" 

Gojyo shook his head and replied, "None whatsoever based on everything he's ever told me about her. But anyway, I tried to tell him that it wasn't her, but then…" His words became thick with emotion and he swallowed hard as he tried again, "But then…" With another shake of his head, he realized that he simply could not finish the sentence. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut rather than see the complete disgust that he expected to find in drooping violet eyes. 

Leaning forward and closing the distance between them slightly, Sanzo urged with quiet relentlessness, "'But then' *what*, Gojyo?! What the fuck happened out there before everything *really* went to hell?!" 

Wishing his voice was not threatening to crack or that his eyes were not burning with unshed tears, Gojyo admitted what he had kept to himself thus far, "But then he said he didn't know who 'Hakkai' was." 

After taking a slow drag on his cigarette thoughtfully, Sanzo commented, "A couple of weeks ago, during that crap with Chin Iisou, he forgot who he was for a moment. It was probably no big deal." Realizing this was unlikely to be the explanation for why Gojyo seemed to be fighting tears, he prodded with a little more force, "But that's not the real crisis, is it, moron? There's something more you're holding back. Tell me what it is and get this over with before I lose my patience with you completely."

Moving so he could press the heels of both hands into his eyes, desperately trying to not let the tears loose, Gojyo found he could not suppress the smallest of sobs as he admitted, "He didn't even seem to recognize *me*!" At least one tear broke past the barrier as he added hotly, "All he cared about was that damned woman and he kept calling 'Kanan, Kanan!' over and over again!" 

Sitting back in his chair in surprise, Sanzo murmured, "Well, fuck." 

The priest had expected something serious, but nothing of this magnitude. Before he could say anything of consequence, however, Gojyo's hands left his face and he stared at Sanzo in a piteous display of agony. 

As a few more tears etched wet trails down his suntanned cheeks, Gojyo pointed at the pale, silent man in the bed, wrapped in cotton strips practically from head to foot, and demanded an answer Sanzo could not give him, "How the hell could 'Kai remember *her* and not *me*?!" Rising too rapidly from his chair and overturning it, he spun and slammed a fist into the wall as he exclaimed, "God *damn* it!" 

Standing there with his head hanging down, lengthy scarlet tresses shaking due to the raging emotions he could no longer control or conceal, Gojyo was the very image of defeat. He remained frozen, arm outstretched and leaning against the shallow impression that his fist had made even as his unfettered teardrops painted wet splotches on the wooden floor.

Blinking in momentary shock, Sanzo found that he had nothing whatsoever to say. 

He doubted that Gojyo was even aware of the fact that he had just destroyed the tissue-thin fabric of lies that he and Hakkai had carefully woven during the entire journey regarding their theoretically secret relationship. Furthermore, Sanzo doubted that this was everything he needed to hear, but it was crystal clear that Gojyo was near a breaking point and if he pushed him at all, the usually sturdy half-breed might shatter completely. 

The unbearably tense moment was broken by a soft moan from the other side of the room.

Focused on their own highly charged discussion, neither Gojyo nor Sanzo had been looking at Hakkai for the last few minutes and that was why they had missed seeing that he was regaining consciousness aided in part by the noisy exclamations of sorrow and confusion from his own lover. However, the loud crash of the chair followed by the almost equally loud impact of fist into plaster had been all it had taken to bridge the gap and his eyes were slowly trying to reopen for the first time since Sanzo had knocked him out.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo exclaimed when he spun to see a pair of hazy though cognizant emerald eyes peering at him from a heavily bandaged visage. The look of thankful delight on his face was a radiant one as he added without thinking, "You're awake, baby?! Thank the gods!" 

Equally surprised by both the injured healer's return to awareness as well as Gojyo's use of a term of endearment that he had rarely heard previously, Sanzo simply sat silently as Gojyo rushed past him eager to be beside Hakkai once more. 

Balancing himself on the mattress with one hand even as his other moved to stroke its fingers through well loved hair the color of dark chocolate, Gojyo smiled brilliantly as tears of sorrow transformed into those of joy when he asked, "How're you feeling, Hakkai? Damn, we've been *so* worried about you, babe!" 

With a slight wince, Hakkai shied away from not only the hand in his hair but also the man leaning over and peering down at him. His eyes were narrowed and there was suspicion in them as he asked in return, "Do I know you?" 

Gojyo had drawn back slightly when Hakkai seemed to want more personal space, but the moment he heard the question that had just left the bedridden man's lips, he felt his knees weaken. Fighting a sudden feeling of impending doom, he replied with false confidence, "Sure you know me, 'Kai." His smile wavered as he added, "We've been together for over three terrific years, don't you remember?" 

"'Together'?" Hakkai echoed in disbelief, then added distrustfully, "In what sense of the word?" 

Practically stumbling as he stepped back from the bed, the redhead swiped at his wet eyes and assured, "We've been roommates and *friends* for over three years, Hakkai. Don't you remember all of that?" 

With a minute shake of his head, Hakkai answered slowly, "No… no, I do not remember that. Neither do I remember you or him, for that matter." He cast a wary glance at Sanzo whose expression was unreadable, then he added with a slight frown, "But now that I think about it, I do not know who *I* am either. Or where I am from or anything at all about my past. How very strange."

It now became clear why Hakkai had reacted so badly to having Gojyo leaning close and being so presumptuous mere moments after he had regained consciousness. 

To the amnesiac brunette, the overly friendly man who had wept as he caressed his hair and addressed him by a term of endearment usually reserved for intimate acquaintances was a true and complete stranger. There was not even the usual spark of soul-to-soul recognition they often shared since the lingering trace of Tenpou had been as badly damaged by the recent events as Hakkai himself was. 

Thus, Gojyo had inadvertently ruined the all-important first impression and the man that was unknowingly his partner in every sense of the word was understandably put off because of it. 

Realizing he needed to rise to the occasion as the clear-minded leader, Sanzo stood and crossed the room quickly. He clamped a strong, restraining hand on Gojyo's shoulder and held him on his feet forcefully as he inquired, "Hakkai, can you remember anything about what has happened to you?" 

Hakkai's frown deepened and then with another small shake of his head, he replied, "No." After casting a glance at what little of his bandaged body he could see, he added with a grimace, "But it would appear that I have been in some kind of an accident perhaps? Or are we at war with someone? I suppose these injuries could be from battle and I have a vague impression that I might be a soldier."

Literally shaking in his boots, Gojyo turned to face the man who was helping him stay grounded and asked in a pleading voice, "Sanzo?" His intention had been to ask for guidance, but he just let his distressed blood red eyes speak the words his mounting sense of terror would not allow him to.

One good look into Gojyo's eyes was all it took for Sanzo to come to a decision. With his lips pressed into a firm line and his own chilled violet eyes narrowed in concentration, he commanded, "Gojyo, go find a doctor and tell them to get their ass in here." With a slight, almost painful tightening of the hand that remained upon the half-youkai's shoulder, he added, "Then go get Goku and Hakuryu. Maybe he'll recognize one of them and this forgetfulness bullshit will be straightened out. I don't have time for crap like this!" 

Ordinarily, Gojyo would have argued until he was blue in the face that when Hakkai was in trouble *he* was the one who needed to stay by his side, but this time he knew the blond speaking to him in such serious tones was right. Hakkai needed a knowledgeable doctor more than he needed an irrational idiot like himself and if getting either of their traveling companions back here would help, he would gladly go and get them, too. 

After flicking another glance at Hakkai who was still regarding him with suspicion, Gojyo nodded, then turned and fled the room without another word. 

Sanzo watched as the anguished man practically ran through the doorway and vanished on his quest for aid. With a sigh, he shook his head and then reached for the overturned chair. Setting it back onto its feet close to the bed, he sat down and simply watched Hakkai for a moment.

Emerald eyes had followed as Gojyo made a tactical retreat and then tracked Sanzo's movements as he moved to sit close enough to imply a desire for conversation yet did not speak. When the unknown blond failed to break the silence between them, Hakkai opened the discussion by remarking, "That red headed man is rather strange, is he not?" 

With a huff of breath, Sanzo muttered acidly, "You don't know the half of it." Belatedly realizing that particular remark was decidedly unhelpful, he spoke more loudly as he stated, "His name is 'Sha Gojyo'. You'd do well to remember it, Hakkai."

Frowning slightly, the brunette replied, "I will accept it that 'Hakkai' is my name, but why did that man, um, Gojyo rather, call me 'baby'? He was acting far too familiar for my tastes."

"I am *not* answering that question," Sanzo stated flatly. He crossed glove-clad arms over a chest covered in tight ebon leather and felt angry on behalf of someone he rarely felt like defending. Then he growled, "Look, you don't remember us, you don't even remember yourself, so hold off on making any damned judgement calls for awhile, all right? Otherwise, things around here are going to go to hell in a handbasket *again*."

Letting the frown dissolve, Hakkai nodded minutely and agreed, saying, "That seems wise, um, what was your name again?"

"It's Genjo Sanzo, but I go by just 'Sanzo'." 

"Isn't that some kind of fairly significant religious title?" Hakkai asked in puzzlement. 

"Yeah, it's just some Buddhist crap," Sanzo replied with a distinct lack of piety, "but it's what everyone calls me." 

In a casual, distant tone that the priest had heard for years yet seemed odd to his ears now, Hakkai replied, "As you wish." 

Something else that was strange to Sanzo was the lack of the faux-smiles that were typically present on the healer's lips. However, a man who can not recall his own dark and painful past has no need of a falsely cheerful mask to hide behind. 

Hakkai then turned his attention to his left arm as he lifted it a little, gazing curiously at the bandages on his hand for a moment before letting it lie flat again. An expression of pain crossed his features as he shifted beneath the covers on his bed, testing the response of his body as he tightened certain muscle groups in an attempt to quantify the level of damage he had sustained. 

Remaining where he was, patiently standing guard if nothing else, Sanzo deliberately chose not to reopen the conversation. There were differences in the man in front of him compared to the Hakkai that he knew and they were making him more than a little angry. 

So much for the whole aloof and untouchable façade that he tried to actually embrace within as well as without.

*****

By the time Gojyo was able to locate Hakuryu where Goku had left it earlier and was returning to the inn with the dragon riding on his shoulder, a physician had already been there and had left once more. 

The brief medical examination Hakkai had received indicated that there had been some significant improvements that the doctor who had been there previously had apparently overlooked due to his own exhausted state. 

The numerous wounds Hakkai had suffered continued to heal more slowly than expected. With a return to awareness, however, he would be able to eat and drink once more, something that was crucial due to a distinct scarcity of IV fluids in this remote region. Of course, the most radical issue they all needed to deal with was the amnesia that had already been discovered and which had any number of possible causes. 

When he had been slammed into the street by the initial explosion, Hakkai's forehead had impacted with a sharp and unyielding stone which had cut into the fabric of his green headband as well as his scalp. This alone had most likely caused a minor concussion which might have explained the fact that he could not recall his name at that point yet recalled details from his past life as Gonou. The second severe head trauma caused by Sanzo's lifesaving strike with the Smith & Wesson may have had similar or even worse results alone, but in combination the two head injuries were truly frightening potential troublemakers. 

Other factors that might have played a part in the loss of memory included the extended period with very low blood levels as well as the simple trauma of the entire experience. 

It was not unheard of for people to wipe their minds clean after being involved in something traumatizing. For that matter, this is one of the brain's self-protective measures. In fact, Hakkai was not the only victim of the explosion and fires in the marketplace evidencing this kind of memory loss, so the doctor did not take it as seriously as the Sanzo-ikkou did. 

When questioned, the physician assured them that there was nothing specific that he could do medically to speed a recovery of Hakkai's memory. It was only a matter of time and possibly of luck until the amnesia resolved itself if that was what was to be. If, on the other hand, the forgetfulness was permanent, there was nothing to be done other than to help Hakkai build a new identity and a new life that suited who he had become. 

Luckily, Goku had arrived just as the exam was completed and Hakkai never heard a word of the diagnosis since the brunette had had his hands full, figuratively speaking, with a worried youth who had numerous questions for which he had no answers. 

Golden robes still dangling haphazardly from the belt at his waist, Sanzo had escorted the doctor out of hearing range and had scowled angrily through the vast majority of the prognosis. He was utterly disgusted to hear that they had gotten inaccurate information previously and he was distinctly displeased that there were no easy cures for the amnesia. The doctor had pointed out that if Hakkai received excellent care and attention from his friends, there was a better chance of recovery, but that was about all the hope that he could realistically offer.

Once the doctor left to go and resume caring for his other patients, Sanzo sighed darkly, then went to rescue Hakkai from an understandably worried Goku. As it turned out, the former teacher who had always treasured children had taken a liking to the boy almost immediately and the priest breathed a sigh of relief that he would not have issues there to cope with as he did with Gojyo. 

When he reached the inn, Gojyo took the stairs two at a time to reach the room that he shared with his traveling companions. The hope that seeing their draconic housemate might jog Hakkai's memory had displaced the fear that he would remain as much of a stranger to his own lover as he had been the last time they had spoken together. 

The sound of Goku speaking excitedly about something and Hakkai replying genially was a welcome balm and he slowed his feet enough to listen a little before entering the room. However, after only a few moments of eavesdropping, it became clear that the boy was as unfamiliar to his partner as Sanzo and himself had been. 

With a sigh, Gojyo reached up to scratch Hakuryu's belly fondly as he whispered, "looks like it's up to you to get our hakkai back for us, dragon. you up to the challenge?" [1] As had often been the case in the past, he was glad that the magical being understood their language perfectly. He had never even given any thought to that unexpected phenomenon since Hakuryu defied explanation in almost every regard, why not that one, too?

With a nod of its tiny, snow-white head and a whispered, "kyu!" it agreed wholeheartedly. 

Politely rapping with his knuckles on the door frame before entering the room, Gojyo peered in and asked, "Mind if we come in?" 

Goku's welcoming smile was sunshine-bright and even Sanzo seemed relieved to see him, yet the bandaged man in the bed was clearly not as enthusiastic as the others, but he kept quiet about it. 

Tired from the rigors of reawakening followed by the medical examination, Hakkai yawned and wished it would not hurt as much as it would if he tried to cover his mouth with his hand when he gave himself over to the exhaustion. He might not remember his past, but he would never forget a simple thing like good manners.

After bouncing off the chair that he had perched on while telling Hakkai a little about himself, Goku went over to Gojyo and asked, "Did you find Hakuryu okay, Gojyo?" 

Stepping into the room and letting Hakkai get a glimpse of the dragon, Gojyo replied, "Yuppers. Just like you said, it was under that tree we were all supposed to meet at when we first rolled into town." Transferring Hakuryu from his shoulder and down into his arms, he added, "You probably didn't even notice it, saru, but all the beer and shit I'd gotten that day are still out there. Maybe you can go fetch them for us sometime?"

Nodding and turning his attention to Hakkai as Gojyo cautiously approached the bed with an eager dragon, Goku replied, "Sure thing, kappa. I'll do that later." 

"Um, Hakkai," Gojyo began nervously, fearing another rejection yet still wanting to be the one to reintroduce the third member of their household to Hakkai. Holding the dragon close enough that Hakkai could reach out and brush a fingertip across it if he wanted to, he said, "This is Hakuryu. It's a part of our group, too, and well, do you remember it? Even just a little?"

Intrigued by the abnormality that was being presented to him, Hakkai forgot to be wary of Gojyo and did move to stroke Hakuryu's belly lightly before dropping his hand back to the bedcovers with a wince of discomfort. Looking more than slightly confused even as another yawn threatened to take control, he admitted, "Not really. I can not say that I recall ever meeting a dragon before, but there is something strangely familiar about him."

"'It'," Sanzo corrected while stepping close enough to join the conversation. With a bare-shouldered shrug, he explained, "Hakuryu has no gender. It was created by some damned fool who was mixing magic with science, so it can't reproduce. Hence, it's just an 'it'."

"Really?" Hakkai replied in a wondering tone. Then, after yawning since it was unavoidable, he added, "I could have sworn that what I recalled seemed male. Does it speak?" 

Gojyo quirked a smile and felt relieved that Hakkai was at least interested in their unique friend who immediately replied, "Kyu!" 

Startled, Hakkai blinked twice, then smiled gently like he used to do only for Gojyo as he said, "Oh my. How precious." 

Emboldened, Gojyo asked, "Would you like me to put it down on your bed, Hakkai? It's used to sleeping next to you and you always used to feel better when it was close." 

"All right," Hakkai agreed and was delighted when Hakuryu stretched out its wings and glided onto the bed of its own accord. As the dragon carefully waddled close enough to his face to give it a little lick of greeting, he chuckled and remarked, "And it flies, too. I should have known." 

"And it can be *driven*, too," Goku put in helpfully and thereby earned a frown of confusion from Hakkai. Nervously scratching the back of his right leg with the top of his left foot, he added, "Hakuryu can turn into a jeep and we ride in it when we're going places. It's that whole magic-plus-science bit. I can't explain it."

"*No* one can explain it, bakasaru," Sanzo interjected, then added flatly, "And that, I think, is enough re-introductions for awhile. Hakkai, you need sleep. I'll get these morons out of here and let you get some."

An aching expression entered Gojyo's eyes and it was clear that he wished to stay near his lover's side even if the man no longer knew him, yet a single, curt shake of a blond head ruled that out. The half-breed's shoulders slumped dejectedly as Sanzo stated, "Goku will be right outside the door, Hakkai. If you need anything, call for him and he'll take care of it." The fact that he had not confirmed his ward's willingness to offer such a service was irrelevant.

"Thank you, Sanzo," Hakkai replied in acknowledgement, yet it was certainly not spoken in the warm familiar tones that they were all used to hearing. Instead it was formal, almost distant and unfeeling. 

Only Hakuryu and Goku had elicited the gentle words and speech patterns that they were all accustomed to and not even Sanzo could have claimed that he was not somewhat stung by the change. 

Gojyo opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it and just turned to follow Sanzo from the room without risking a farewell that might be rejected or, worse, ignored. Trailing behind them, Goku gave Hakkai and Hakuryu a small wave then closed the door before sitting down and leaning against it, already listening just in case he was needed. 

Alone with the dragon which had moved down to curl carefully by his right side as it often did, Hakkai breathed a sigh of relief which was followed by yet another deep yawn.

"Kyu~u," the dragon crooned quietly before resting its head atop the scar hidden beneath bandages that protected new wounds that might add permanent marks of their own.

"I hope that you, too, rest well, Hakuryu," Hakkai replied automatically before drifting almost immediately into slumber. Despite the fact that it had gone unnoticed, he had had no trouble at all accepting the dragon's seemingly impossible existence. Plus, the way that he could still understand its one word vocabulary was a minor, though unheralded, miracle. 

With Hakkai's return to awareness, the Sanzo-ikkou was reunited once more, yet it was in name only. 

The quintet who had once fought side by side with amazing synchronicity was now a dysfunctional team, divided by the one member who had always been relied upon for unity in the past. As tensions would mount between Gojyo and Hakkai, Sanzo would grow more ill at ease and would find himself facing some very difficult choices that he would much rather have avoided making. 

Even Goku and Hakuryu who were not alienated from Hakkai's affections in the least, would feel the strain and it would become clear that resolution had to be arrived at soon or all of Kanzeon bosatsu's plans would wither and die. 

Unfortunately, the goddess herself was not taking an active role at this point. 

Her standing policy of letting events play out at their own pace was in effect and if the group of five misfits she had originally chosen could not find a solution on their own, they were clearly not strong enough for their mission in the first place. She was not fond of the idea of discarding partially honed weapons, but it was better to do so now and forge new ones than to continue to battle with inferior tools. 

*****

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

[1] Reminder: As has been the case throughout this story arc, whenever dialogue is written in all lowercase letters, it is to be read as if it is spoken very softly, possibly in a whisper, a gasp, or in a tone not meant to be heard by those nearby.

Please be advised: Chapter 2 will be posted alone.

Posted: 28 October 2003 ~1:05am EST


	3. Agonizing Revelations

Happy Halloween! 

I am very pleased to be able to present you with the newest installment of my dark, angst-ridden "Saiyuki" story on such an auspicious date. 

Hopefully some kind readers out there will find the following very large serving of bishounen-torture to be a delicious "treat" for a holiday filled with revelry and merrymaking unlike any other here in the US. On the other hand, some of them may consider this a nasty "trick" by the time they get to the end of the chapter.

Whether this is either trick or treat, only time--and three more chapters!--will tell. 

Enjoy the angst!

Enigma

(who thanks those who continue to show support for this tale of woe since their generous words have given his muses the ambrosia they need to keep posting this story so quickly)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Title: Shattering [chapter 3/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc" 

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R 

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai) 

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers. 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

Late in the afternoon of the twenty-fifth of November, after yet another strange night where he had feigned sleep while wrapped in blankets beside Sanzo's bed even as Goku stayed close to Hakkai's, Gojyo found himself pacing the length of the inn's front porch. 

Practically chain-smoking in a failed attempt to get enough nicotine into his bloodstream to calm his frazzled nerves, he was waiting for the priest who had gone to speak with Hakkai on his behalf. Despite the fact that Gojyo and Sanzo themselves needed a serious, man-to-monk conversation regarding the no longer secret relationship between the elder two youkai, enough had come to light that when the blond offered to try to bridge the gap, the former lady's man had jumped at the chance. 

Of course, Sanzo--who was doing this for his own sanity if for no other reason--had felt obligated to point out that if Hakkai did not wish to speak with Gojyo alone, that would be the end of the matter until something changed. 

Coming to the southern end of the porch and then turning on his heel and heading back north, Gojyo fiddled with the treasured, silver-plated lighter that he had started keeping in the palm of his hand as much as possible. Recollections of the overcast, rainy day when he had received it as a birthday gift brought him much-needed comfort during this frightening period of uncertainty. 

The five traveling companions were all eager to see Hakkai's memory return, but the heartsick half-breed had so much more to lose than the others did if the amnesia was permanent. 

Actually, Hakkai himself had already lost something significant in that he had no memory of his use of ki-channeling as either a weapon or as a means of healing injuries. At first, he had been understandably skeptical about even having a supernatural ability of that sort. 

Yet when Goku returned from the construction site with a minor injury that caused the boy a bit of pain, Hakkai found himself wishing that the others were right about it even though it sounded quite impossible to him. With only a small amount of hesitation, he had attempted to call forth his powers and they had all discovered that Hakkai could no longer manifest even so much as a faint, verdant glimmer. 

"That just sucks, too," Gojyo grumbled to himself with a sigh as he recalled the failed attempt. 

He tried to convince himself that Sanzo was right when the priest insisted that Hakkai's condition alone could have explained the disappointing result of the experiment, but he couldn't. There were just too many changes in Hakkai's personality and they were becoming even more pronounced now that he had been conscious again for two full days. 

The desire to slam his fist into a wall again rose up in Gojyo and if he hadn't run out of cigarettes at that exact moment, he may very well have done so. Loudly crushing his now empty pack of hi-lites with annoyance instead, he sighed deeply and then used the lighter to ignite the tobacco before sucking on the filter tip demandingly. 

"That coffin nail of yours won't last long if you smoke it *that* way, baka," a voice commented less snidely than it usually would have. Stepping towards the youkai who had turned desperate scarlet eyes towards him, Sanzo handed Gojyo a Marlboro and commanded, "Here. Make yourself useful for a change and light this for me." 

Puzzled by the odd request yet willing to obey since it might bring him news faster than questioning the strange order might, Gojyo placed the fresh cigarette between his lips and lit it before handing it back with an inquiring gaze.

Shrugging and feeling glad that his robes were up on his shoulders once more since there was a chill in the late autumn weather that the town had not been troubled with so far, Sanzo commented, "I ran out of lighter fluid earlier."

"Ah, gotcha," Gojyo acknowledged, then stuffed his hands in his pockets and simply waited. When Genjo Sanzo wanted time to think, there was certainly no point in rushing him.

Leaning against the porch railing, Sanzo puffed on his cigarette for a moment, then said as he watched a pair of small birds harassing a larger one overhead, "Hakkai says he's willing to talk to you, Gojyo, but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I was you."

Nodding in acknowledgement even though it hurt to hear this, Gojyo asked, "Why do you say that, Sanzo?" 

Slowly shaking his head and drawing a breath in through the smoldering cigarette, Sanzo thought for a moment. Then, after blowing out a thin, gray stream of smoke, he replied quietly, "He's changed. At least, as far as you and I are concerned." He sounded miffed as he added, "He's fine with the monkey or the dragon, but you and I aren't on the damned 'A list' anymore."

"So I'd noticed," Gojyo agreed unhappily. Scuffing a booted toe at a small stain on the porch's wooden floor, he inquired, "Think there's anything I can do to make this easier?" 

Arching a disdainful eyebrow, Sanzo remarked bitterly, "Don't ask him about the two of you at all, moron. Leaving it the hell alone would be a better idea than confronting him about it!" With a huff, he then amended, "But this whole thing's killing you. I can see it. Goku sees it."

Ignoring the shocked expression that the comment regarding their young friend had caused, Sanzo waved a hand in the air dismissively then stated, "Shit, even the damned *innkeeper* has been weirded out by your moping, so go take your chances and talk to him. Maybe another fucking miracle will happen and we can all get back to normal *before* Gyumaou's cronies can thaw his fat ass out so he can come destroy us all!" 

Trying to clear his head of the haze surrounding it at that moment, Gojyo asked uncertainly, "What do you mean by that, Sanzo? Aren't you and Goku going to resume the journey west without us as soon as you can?" 

"And we'll win the battles ahead of us exactly *how*, asshole?!" Sanzo answered with a question of his own. Not allowing a reply, he added flatly, "I was given you four as my lackeys for some damned reason that I can't even begin to guess at. Apparently, I *need* you to complete this mission and without you, I can pretty much bet that I'm screwed."

"But--"

"Look," Sanzo interrupted, "I was given Hakkai's help through an oath he swore at the temple of the Sanbutusin when they spared Gonou's life and, as we found out later, that meant I got you and Hakuryu in the bargain. Goku's glued to me for life at the rate things are going, but the two of us can't get where we need to go without the jeep and, frankly, I don't much care for the idea of not having your scythe or Hakkai's shields when I go into a fight." 

Stunned by the unprecedented admission, Gojyo rocked back on his heels for a moment, then replied simply, "Oh."

Snorting softly, Sanzo replied, "Yeah, 'oh' pretty much sums up this whole shitty deal those damned godlings stuck me with, now doesn't it?" 

"Well, yeah, I guess it does," Gojyo answered and then asked, "So having me and Hakkai work this out really makes a big difference, not just for us, but also for you and indirectly for everybody else, right?"

Heaving an annoyed sigh, Sanzo let go of some of his anger and said, "Yes and no. You two share a history only one of you can remember at this point, so unless you can find a way to forget it the same as he has, you'll never be able to work together again. You'll be distracted by trying to find a way to get back what you lost and he's going to be distracted by wondering what the hell is your problem. Distraction gets not just you but also the people fighting next to you killed. Pardon me all the way to hell and back if I can't accept broken versions of the two of you in replacement for who you were a week ago."

Gojyo murmured an obscenity as he shook his head. Deciding to find out what the worst case scenario's solution might be, he asked tentatively, "Um, what'll you do if push comes to shove and the best I can offer is to come with you on my own?" 

The noise of a wailing infant a short distance away caused the half-breed to glance at the street as he continued, "Maybe Hakkai and Hakuryu can build that new life that doctor mentioned and--" 

Anything else he might've said was cut off by the sudden heat of a hand clamped demandingly on his shoulder. Turning towards Sanzo and fearing a fist in his face, Gojyo got an unexpected answer.

"I take all *three* of you or I take none." 

The pause after this statement was significant as was the pointed addition of, "*Distraction*, remember?"

"Oh."

The warm hand fell away as Sanzo pointed out, "You say that a lot these days, moron." 

"Maybe so, but what'll you do if that's how it turns out?" 

Shrugging, Sanzo replied, "Then I find a way to make contact with the Sanbutusin and drop the whole fucked-up mess back in their nonexistent laps. My only real goal originally was to recover my master's stolen sutra. If I don't have the tools to do that, I'd rather blow this off completely and let the world go to pieces on its own. I've had just about all of the 'selfless sacrifice' crap that I can take." 

Whether this was how Sanzo truly felt or not was unclear even to himself, yet he left his heartless statement unchanged as it hung in the air between them. 

With a firm nod, Gojyo accepted this and said, "In that case, I'll just have to go up there and see what it takes to wake back up those memories of Hakkai's. I don't much fancy having that much guilt on my conscience." Without pausing for more discussion, he nodded once more and went back inside hoping he could make good on the boastful statement added for Sanzo's benefit more than for his own.

Watching the half-breed vanish into the interior of the inn, Sanzo sighed then murmured, "That's pretty much what I was hoping you'd say." 

Sanzo discarded the cigarette that had turned into a column of ash while they'd talked in favor of a new one, lighting it with ease since the remark about his lighter being inoperable had been a lie intended to derail Gojyo's dark train of thought. 

Holding the smoke inside his lungs longer than normal, he wondered if his journey truly was over and whether or not he could make good on his threat to abandon it if the trio wasn't joining them. Even he wasn't sure at that point, but if forced to tell the truth about it, he really hoped he never had to make that decision at all. 

Blowing the smoke out in a negligent, gray stream, Sanzo decided that his life would be much easier if he could honestly embrace the stringent philosophy of complete detachment that he quoted so often. 

Yet ever since that fateful day when he had found and freed a filthy, imprisoned urchin who wore a golden diadem on his head, he had tossed aside his ability to truly care for no one but himself. Adding three more souls to his burdens had never been his intention, but over the past few days he realized that he had all the same.

Flicking a gaze upwards as if he could see within the interior of the inn from where he stood, Sanzo muttered with ill-concealed concern and possibly a tiny, almost imperceptible hint of sympathy, "Don't fuck this up, asshole. I've already seen enough of your tears for one lifetime, Sha Gojyo." 

*****

As he slowly traversed the hallway that lead to the room where Hakkai awaited him, Gojyo heard a familiar set of voices having an unexpected conversation and decided to pause and listen for a moment.

"But would not a regular pair of eyeglasses be more practical?" Hakkai was asking quizzically. 

"Maybe," Goku replied and Gojyo could imagine his casual shrug accompanying the remark. "But you've always worn a monocle sorta like that one since Sanzo first took you to talk to the Floating Heads. So I kinda assumed you'd want a replacement as much like it as I could get." 

There was a rustling noise as Hakkai sat up in bed a little more and then Goku added, "Here, look in this mirror. You'll see. That monocle makes you look really cool, Hakkai."

"Kyu!" An enthusiastic dragon agreed and Gojyo couldn't help smiling.

After a brief lull in the conversation, Hakkai commented without conviction, "Well, it is certainly outside the norm. Perhaps if I was as interested in impressing people as some *others* are, this would indeed be my first choice for eyewear." 

There was an almost painful implication in that remark about those who were more concerned about others' opinions of them then they themselves were, but Gojyo tried to convince himself that hadn't been in reference to himself. 

"Aw, come on!" Goku would not be denied. "You look wicked cool that way, Hakkai! Even better than a pirate! Take my word for it! Besides, Hakuryu here likes it, don't you, Hakuryu?"

"Kyu!" The little dragon agreed yet again and this invoked a soft, familiar chuckle that a former playboy had ached to hear. 

"In that case, Goku," Hakkai commented with a smile that Gojyo could hear, "I shall be glad to wear this. After all, I was becoming more than a little annoyed with being unable to see very well with my right eye and this improves that situation immeasurably."

"Terrific!" Goku enthused. He then changed the subject drastically by asking, "So, Hakuryu, want to come with me to see how the new buildings over in the marketplace are coming? You can stretch your wings some and I can get that batch of barbecued pork buns one of the cooks whose place we're fixing promised me."

The soft noise that followed this wasn't one Gojyo could identify at first. But then a soft keening sound was followed by the flap of leathery wings and he knew Hakuryu had moved from its usual spot on Hakkai's bed over to Goku's arms or shoulder. 

"Have fun," Hakkai said with that gentle, affectionate tone that Gojyo desperately missed when the brunette spoke to him directly.

"We will!" Goku assured then stepped out of the open door and practically ran into Gojyo whom he greeted by asking quietly, "What're you doing just hanging around out here, kappa?"

With a tiny kyu of welcome, Hakuryu lifted into the air and dropped itself onto Gojyo's shoulder where it took the opportunity to rub its snowy head against his chin and make soft, comforting noises since it was acutely aware of how difficult things had been for him lately. 

In the course of its time with Hakkai and Gojyo, sharing their apartment and almost every aspect of their lives, Hakuryu had watched over the couple in good times and in bad. 

However, nothing it had been witness to previously could match with this horrible situation and it hated being forced to simply watch as Gojyo continued to fall apart due to the estrangement from his soulmate. The ancient spirit within the dragon had recognized the eternal bond the two youkai shared even before they did and to see it trapped beneath layers of injury and amnesia-induced ignorance was incredibly frustrating. 

If there had been anything it could have done to help them the way that it had in the past by doing everything from pulling down covers on a bed to finding the perfect trysting spot for a rainy autumn day, Hakuryu would have done it in a heartbeat. Sadly, there was nothing it could do at this point other than to keen softly and nuzzle Gojyo encouragingly as he carried them both out of earshot with Goku following automatically. 

Once certain that their injured comrade couldn't overhear them, Gojyo replied quietly, "I wanted to talk to Hakkai privately for a bit, Goku." Looking past the boy at the rectangle of pale yellow sunlight spilling out of the doorway onto the floor of the hall, he added worriedly, "How's he holding up?" 

Following Gojyo's line of sight, Goku glanced over his shoulder for a moment and then replied thoughtfully, "Better, I think. One of those doctors came by to say that he was going back to the city and before he left town he wanted to give the okay for Hakkai to wear a lot less bandages." Trying to bring a smile to his miserable friend, he added playfully, "He doesn't look like a mummy anymore." 

Failing to see the humor or even the possible insult in the remark, Gojyo just nodded and then asked, "So, is he dressed again? That might make what I need to say to him a little easier."

A frown furrowed Goku's brow for a moment as he tried to figure out what that cryptic statement meant. Being unable to puzzle out the meaning of the half-breed's words, he gave up and simply shrugged as he confirmed, "Yeah. I helped him get a shirt and some sweatpants." Lightly stroking Hakuryu's neck as the dragon returned to him, he added, "I'm already late to get my meat buns, though, so we're going to head out. Need anything when I come back?" 

Sighing and trying to rebuild his earlier resolve, Gojyo looked once more at the patch of brightness emanating from the room where someone he loved who couldn't remember ever returning his affection was and answered, "What I need…" he unwittingly sighed, then concluded, "you can't give me, Goku." 

Shaking his head, Goku gave up entirely and said simply, "Then go see the guy who *can* give you that, kappa!" He was surprised to see startled red eyes slide back towards him and then he added in an unusually serious tone, "Good luck, Gojyo. You might need it." 

"Goku…?" Gojyo started to ask just what, exactly, the youth meant by that, but decided to settle that later and merely said, "Never mind. I need to go talk to Hakkai before I chicken out." He patted the boy on the arm and then made himself walk the short distance separating him from the only person who had made life worth living for the last three years. 

Heaving a sigh, Goku decided to put some distance between himself and the other two youkai. 

He hoped they would be able to work things out since he had become quite happy with the surrogate family that they had constructed as they drove ever westward on their quest. Yet he was wise enough to know it wasn't something he could do anything about at this point.

His internal digression was interrupted by a soft, mournful, "Kyu."

Shifting amber-gold eyes over to meet garnet-hued ones, Goku sighed again and then took them both away from whatever was about to occur. 

*****

Peering past the doorframe nervously, Gojyo got his first look at Hakkai now that the amount of bandages encasing his wounds had been significantly lessened. 

Propped against a mound of pillows, the other youkai was looking out the window and didn't see him, yet it was a definite relief to Gojyo to see fewer signs of weakness and infirmity blanketing his beloved partner's body. There were still heavy bindings on both hands as well as on the severe injury to Hakkai's right cheek and forehead, but the ones on his torso currently disguised by a well loved, long-sleeved tee-shirt appeared to be less. The return of the monocle helped a great deal, too, and Gojyo couldn't help smiling as he noted the highlights in soft hair the color of bittersweet chocolate gleaming in the sunshine.

Based on appearance alone, this was *his* Hakkai once more and the half-breed very nearly prayed to deities whose existence he rarely considered that for once appearances would not be as deceiving as they often were. 

As if sensing that he was not alone, Hakkai turned his head and the gentle, familiar smile that had lingered after Goku and Hakuryu's departure melted away like snow on a warm spring morning. Gazing straight at Gojyo with dispassionate emerald eyes, he remarked almost without emotion, "Oh, it's you."

Swallowing thickly since that unenthusiastic greeting could not possibly be a good sign, Gojyo nodded then stepped into the room before saying, "Um, yeah, it's just me, Hakkai." Approaching the chair that Goku had occupied mere moments prior, he explained, "Sanzo said you were willing to talk with me. Is that still okay with you?" 

Nodding firmly and somehow radiating an air of seriousness usually reserved for battle or for confrontations with Sanzo on the rare occasion that Hakkai let himself chew out the priest for being cruel to his traveling companions, the human-turned-youkai replied, "We might as well. We need to clear the air between us, Gojyo, do we not?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say it that way," Gojyo agreed and perched gingerly on the chair as he added, "but it kinda hurts to hear it put in those exact words." 

"Oh?" Hakkai replied with a carefully neutral expression on his badly wounded face. "Are there other words you would prefer to hear?" 

Gojyo very much wanted to say that, yes, there were three special words he'd happily die to hear, but he bit that back and replied instead, "Maybe, but for now, I'll just change the subject and ask, how are you feeling? Any better now that some of the bandages are off?" 

Accepting the shift gracefully, Hakkai lifted his right arm and watched as he flexed it at the elbow, something he'd had profound difficulty with previously. He still winced as a flash of pain lanced through him due to a nasty tear across his triceps that was now securely sutured closed, yet there was satisfaction in verdant eyes as he glanced back at Gojyo and assured, "Yes. I am getting a little flexibility back and it is a pleasure to not be quite as exposed as I was in only bandages." 

That comment reminded Gojyo of how very modest his cherished roommate had been during their three wonderful pre-journey years together. Yet before he could even smile slightly due to the sweet recollection, Hakkai destroyed his happiness yet again. 

Plucking an invisible thread from the unusual black shirt that he wore, the brunette added, "But why on earth anyone would want an unstylish garment like this is beyond me. I wonder why I would even own something like this in the first place."

Clearing his throat nervously, Gojyo admitted, "Um, actually, Hakkai, that's *my* favorite tee-shirt and not one of yours. I've had it for ages and you used to wear it all the time whenever you didn't feel so hot. I guess that's why Goku gave it to you to wear when the doctor was done?" The questioning tone in his sentence was intended to express the fact that he'd had nothing to do with the decision and he hoped that Hakkai wouldn't assume that he had orchestrated the selection manipulatively.

Expression once more carefully neutral, Hakkai gazed placidly back at Gojyo for a moment, then remarked, "Perhaps. I did leave the choice up to him, after all." When the other man sighed with relief, he let some of the earlier firmness return to his expression as he asked, "So, where shall we begin? I meant what I said about clearing the air." 

Suddenly and understandably nervous, Gojyo held his breath for a moment, then let it out slowly in an effort to calm himself before he asked, "Have you remembered anything about you and me yet? Anything at all?" 

Thoughtful green eyes drifted to the ceiling as Hakkai gave this obviously important question appropriate consideration and then they came back to lock with ruby-colored ones as he said flatly, "No. Nothing at all."

Clearly disappointed, Gojyo's shoulders slumped and he replied, "Damn. I was afraid of that." He scratched the back of his head and then had an idea. Pulling out his prized, silver-gilt cigarette lighter which he then handed to Hakkai, he asked, "Maybe this will help. Do you recognize it?" 

Turning the small thing over in his bandaged hand and gazing first at the calligraphic rendering of Gojyo's name and then at the death's head that eerily echoed the design on the sleeve of the shirt he was wearing, Hakkai made an earnest attempt to recall it. When that met with failure as all such efforts had in the last two difficult days, he shook his head and returned it saying, "No, I am afraid that I no more recognize that than I have anything else from my past. Why? Is it significant?"

Pocketing the lighter with a heavy heart, Gojyo replied, "Hell yeah, it's 'significant'. You gave it--and something even better than it, for that matter--to me for my birthday this year. That was just a little over two weeks ago, so I kinda dared to hope that it might jog your memory."

"Ah, it was a gift from an important friend?" Hakkai asked even though it was more of a statement than a question. "Then I truly am sorry to not recall it."

"Same here," Gojyo agreed with a miserable sigh. Deciding it was time to take the proverbial bull by the horns and confront the greater issue that he had been dancing around, he leaned over, letting his hands rest lightly on his knees as he said quietly, "But we're not just 'friends', 'Kai." 

Frowning a little, Hakkai interjected, "Why is it that you are the only one who calls me that, Gojyo? I have noticed that you and the others are rather particular about how you address one another. You have each got various nicknames and insults that you trade as easily as others do compliments, yet you alone refer to me as ''Kai'. Why is that?" 

Gojyo felt his heart tightening briefly and he wanted to scream in reply, yet forced himself to say calmly, "I started calling you that a long time ago. It's kinda like a pet name and I used to always be really careful to only use it when we were alone. I guess all the stress of the past week or so made me get sloppy." With a shrug, he slouched back in his seat and added, "The others don't use it because they know it's special. Just like you are."

Casting his gaze pointedly away from the clearly unhappy redhead as he nodded to indicate his understanding if not endorsement of the nickname, Hakkai inquired, "So, do you wish to clarify all of these roundabout implications that we are not ordinary 'friends,' or not? I dislike the air of mystery and innuendo clinging to your words at the moment."

Feeling defeated before he had even began the most important fight of his life, Gojyo leaned forward once more and wished he had the guts to force Hakkai to turn back and look him square in the eye again. His fingers itched to lightly grasp the strong chin currently averted from him, but before he could give in to the compulsion, the brunette turned towards him once more and pierced him with a stern look that would brook no more delays.

"All right, fine, then, have it your way, *Hakkai*," he carefully enunciated the name in full and then boldly pushed the truth past his lips as he asserted, "You and I are a damned sight more than 'friends'! We are *lovers* and have been for quite awhile!" 

The expression of disbelief on Hakkai's face was complete and unhidden as he replied quietly, "You *must* be joking."

Shaking his head, Gojyo replied, "Not one bit. Hell, we're even--what did Tonpu call it once? oh, yeah--'exclusive', if that makes any difference to you." 

Snorting in derision and sounding too much like Sanzo for Gojyo's comfort, Hakkai commented acidly, "You make us sound as if we are married." The realization that the other man could have meant just that struck him and then he added less confidently, "But we are not so joined, though… are we? Is that not illegal for same-gender couples?" 

Rising to his feet and going to get the ashtray from the table since he suddenly needed a cigarette very, very badly, Gojyo answered in reverse order, "Yes, it's illegal for two guys to get married officially, but it still happens for all intents and purposes in other ways. And, no, we're not. Married, I mean." 

Deliberately facing away from the bedridden man, the half-breed lit a hi-lite and took a needy drag on it before adding unhappily, "But it might've been nice… once upon a time. A house, a cat to play with the dragon, and an adopted kid or two might've been something nice to share when we were older and were done being footloose gypsies, I guess…"

The sound of fabric shifting caught his attention and he fervently hoped that Hakkai wasn't going to do something infinitely foolish like try to attack him since he wasn't capable of getting out of bed unassisted yet. 

But when Gojyo turned to face him once more, there was nothing more sinister going on than a bandaged hand clutching the sheet angrily as Hakkai repeated, "You have *got* to be either insisting on a joke that is in very poor taste or are insane." Pressing his free hand to his chest, he added, "I may not remember my life before two days ago, but I do know one thing about myself. I am most assuredly *not* gay! There is no *way* that I would be involved sexually with a man. I am *quite* certain of it." 

Flopping bonelessly back down in the chair and balancing the ashtray on his leg, Gojyo commented tiredly, "Then you'd be dead wrong… in one regard at least." 

Gojyo took another pull on his cigarette, then remarked, "You've been 'involved sexually' with me for well over a year, but you're right about you not being gay. By my own definitions, I'm not either when it comes right down to it. Hell, a pretty little curvaceous thing in a skirt can make my pulse race, so maybe I'm barely bi or something. But you and me together kinda transcend the whole gay-not-gay thing." 

Wishing he could cross his arms over his chest in a gesture of self-protection, Hakkai demanded, "If we are not both homosexuals on at least some level, then why in the world would we have sex together, Sha? That is a patently ludicrous as well as self-contradictory statement."

Wincing as he was addressed by a surname that had rarely left Hakkai's lips in anger in the past, Gojyo bit back a desire to reply in kind by calling the other man "Cho" and decided instead to try to explain their unique relationship as patiently as he could. "Look, I know this sounds a little whacked, but when I first found you bleeding to death in the forest--" 

Noting the expression of disbelief on Hakkai's face, he interrupted himself and added, "That's a long story, I'll tell ya later if you really want to hear it, but anyway, when we first met, I knew right away that there was something special about you. Something different that called to me the way no woman ever had. You, apparently, felt the same way, but you never made a big deal over it, never tried to make me stop chasing chicks or going out to get laid."

With an unwitting sigh, Gojyo continued, "I didn't realize what it was at first, that 'something special' we share, that took a long time and a lot of mistakes on my part. But eventually we both stopped fighting it and kinda hooked-up, as the kids say." 

Relieved that the other man was letting him say his peace in full, Gojyo ignored the smoldering cigarette that dangled between his fingers as he gestured while continuing. "After awhile, kissing led to petting which then led to having sex in other ways, and even though it took us until September of this year to get it right, eventually we made love in the classic sense of the word. I just wish you could remember it." With a sad sigh, he finally took one last drag on his hi-lite, then ground it out in the ashtray.

Hakkai was oddly quiet as Gojyo's torrent of confession ended. Before the silence could stretch uncomfortably thin between them, he finally asked in a quiet voice, "And was it good between us? This sex life you remember so vividly and that still sounds like an impossibility to me." 

A wistful smile crossed Gojyo's lips as he assured, "Oh, hell yeah, baby. It was better than 'good'. It was freaking spectacular. Just a couple of weeks ago--on my birthday, no less--you showed me for the first time how great it was to not be the one on top, so to speak. We were perfect together."

Face flushing and then draining as he tried to picture two men having intercourse together, Hakkai asked in disbelief, "You mean to tell me that ordinarily *you* were the one in charge between us? Now I truly can not accept this as fact. I do *not* think that I would wish to entrust myself to you so fully, Sha Gojyo!" 

"Why not?" Gojyo replied with sadness since he felt his world crumbling around him. Recalling something that might help, he said, "Even though you feel that way now, it was actually you who said the magic words first between us. I was too chicken-shit to do it, so you did take the lead on that."

"'Magic words'?" Hakkai parroted back in bafflement.

Nodding, Gojyo said, "You know, the infamous three words everybody on the planet wants to hear? When you told me that you loved me back in September, well, I just about thought I'd died and gone to heaven." Silently, he added a wish that had been the literal outcome of their glorious merger in a sunlit glade. It would have been easier to have died happily sated and confident of their shared devotion than to have to endure what he was faced with now.

Completely shocked, Hakkai shook his head firmly and stated, "Well, perhaps that had been the case previously, but I assure you that is no longer true." As the stinging rejection sank into Gojyo's miserable awareness, he noted something that he felt was indicative of more than it actually was. With a firm frown, he added, "If what we had had between us was as intense as you claim, I can not imagine why my body has failed to react to your provocative words." 

Well aware of the tightness in his own groin after thinking about their loving, sensual past and finding Hakkai's failure to experience the same was the final blow. 

After dragging himself unsteadily to his feet, Gojyo dropped the ashtray onto the table, then replied, "Ya know, maybe it's just that you were almost killed a few days ago and you're just not in good enough shape to get turned on. Or maybe it's that I've lost my charm. Or whatever." 

Head hanging down as he shoved his hands into his pockets, Gojyo added sadly, "Look, Hakkai, I'm real sorry about all of this. If you don't love me anymore and certainly don't *want* me, then I'll get the hell out of your way, all right? There's some other stuff we need to straighten out about Sanzo, the others, and all of that, but for now, I'm just going to go the fuck away."

Refusing to look at the person whose fondest dreams he had just thoroughly annihilated, Hakkai commented as gently as he could, "I am sorry, too, Gojyo, but that would undoubtedly be for the best. Perhaps now that you have told me these things, I can reflect upon them and maybe even recall something of our old life together finally."

"Don't strain yourself trying, man. I think that whatever we once had got burnt up in that fire like a lot of other shit did, too," Gojyo said with a sigh and then left the room behind fully intending not to return unless he was forced to. He just couldn't face Hakkai again, not after making a complete fool of himself. 

Alone once more, Hakkai merely sat on his bed and tried to make sense of what had just transpired. 

Without even being aware that he was doing it, he soon found himself staring at his swathed palms as if there should be an answer there if he only knew how to search for it. Unfortunately, due to the amnesia, he saw nothing but white bandages. No faint phantom bloodstains arose in his mind's eye, neither did the recollection of a thick, black marker line placed there recently when Goku tried to make him feel better about his short lifeline. 

Eventually, the lack of answers to the mystery regarding the truth about his relationship with the redhead drove him to drop his hands back down onto the bedcovers. Staring out the window instead, Hakkai let his thoughts go blank hoping that might help where conscious effort had failed. 

The attempt would, of course, meet with failure, something he was growing increasingly frustrated by as the blankness of his past darkened the hopes for the future that not only he himself might have but also the other four souls he was eternally linked with. 

Things had rarely looked quite so utterly bleak for the Sanzo-ikkou as they did on that particular afternoon. 

*****

To be continued.

Please be advised: Chapter 3 will be posted alone.

Posted: 31 October 2003 ~3:00am EST


	4. Falling Apart

My deepest thanks go to those of you still reading this tale of sadness and loss. I am especially grateful to those of you who trust my muses and me to lead our heroes through this morass of goddess-sent agony and have said so via reviews here at ff.net and/or comments in various locations. Your support means the world to me and I am truly grateful for it.

In case anyone wanted to know, there will only be one more posting run after this one if things go as planned. 

Since it will be quite a bit lengthier than all of the prior runs, it will take longer for it to be ready to be posted than recent runs have taken. Information regarding when the conclusion of this story will be ready to be released will, as always, be available on my LJ which can be accessed via the convenient link on my info page under the heading "homepage".

Enjoy the angst,

Enigma

(who will be absent from the online world this coming extended weekend thanks to taking a much needed break to attend Neko-Con in Virginia Beach, VA)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Title: Shattering [chapter 4/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc" 

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R 

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai) 

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers. 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

Trudging down the hallway and stairs without ever looking up, Gojyo dejectedly made his way towards the ruddy rays of the setting sun that were shining through the entryway of the inn. As he stepped onto the porch, he heard, "So? That bad, huh, baka?"

Glancing at Sanzo who had been waiting there the entire time he had been speaking with Hakkai in case things went totally awry, Gojyo nodded and muttered, "Worse than that."

"Shit," the priest grumbled even though it wasn't Gojyo with whom he was angry. Neither was he upset with Hakkai who could no more cure his own amnesia than he could the injuries afflicting his body. Rather, Sanzo was angry at the forces that ruthlessly shoved them all from one disaster to another like pieces on a chessboard, heedless of the resultant personal suffering. 

"Yeah," Gojyo replied with a gloomy nod. Adding a completely devastated sigh, the heartbroken half-breed corrected, "Major shit."

Sanzo grumbled something truly foul under his breath, then pointed out, "I told you it would've been better to leave the whole matter the hell alone!" Biting back the fury that he felt towards the forces beyond his control, he asked, "So, what's next then, fool?"

Letting his head listlessly loll to one side for a moment and not disagreeing with Sanzo's pejorative, Gojyo inhaled deeply then replied, "What's next is that I go find myself a great big bottle of booze and crawl into it." With a hopeless grimace, he added, "Then, if I'm real damned lucky, I hope to die of alcohol poisoning." 

Expressive violet eyes rolled skywards as Sanzo snorted angrily. But then he reached into a deep sleeve-pocket and produced something other than the paper fan that Gojyo fully expected to feel slammed into the side of his head. 

Extending his hand, Sanzo said gruffly, "Here, idiot, take this. You'll need it."

"Huh?" Gojyo replied and reached out to accept whatever the priest intended to give him. He was surprised when he felt the cool touch of metal and heard the quiet crinkle of paper as money changed hands. Peering into his palm in confusion, he asked, "Why so much?"

Reaching for his Marlboros and acting as if he couldn't care less, Sanzo explained, "If you're going to be stupid enough to go get yourself shit-faced, at least do it with something decent. The hangover won't be as hellish that way." 

"Really?" The reply was an automatic one since Gojyo was already sinking into a state of depression because of the horrible and seemingly irrevocable loss of what he and Hakkai had once shared.

"Yeah, really," Sanzo snapped waspishly. After placing a cigarette between his lips and lighting it unmindfully, he growled, "Now get that pathetic, hangdog expression of yours out of my sight, asshole." 

With a barely perceptible nod of a drooping head, Gojyo acknowledged the command and then walked away, hands still buried in his pockets miserably. 

He had only traversed a few meters before he paused and stated as if only to the air around him, "Well, this makes the third time I've been dumped by somebody with a pretty face. And *two* of those times were by the same guy. I'm so utterly and totally fucked now." 

There was no response from the man behind him since Sanzo could not disagree in the least.

Gojyo's shoulders were slumped as he wandered away from the inn heading nowhere in particular since he had no idea where to go to get the mind numbing liquor he suddenly craved. His only firsthand knowledge of the town had been gained on the tragic day of their arrival. Regardless of that, though, he was certain that as the setting sun grew redder and seemingly larger, taverns or other appropriate places to find strong drink would come alive and they would draw him to themselves. 

Smoking his Marlboro as he watched the retreating figure which seemed to radiate defeat, Sanzo let the simmering rage slip away from him much as the hazy smoke from his lips dissipated into the afternoon air. 

Now that the concerns which he had brought up while speaking with Gojyo earlier that day had been confirmed, Sanzo began to actively contemplate whether or not he really could abandon the holy crusade he'd been assigned. Allowing wholesale genocide by a reawakened youkai king didn't appeal to him in the least, though, and that made the decision for him.

Recommitted to the ultimate goal of the journey, Sanzo contemplated how to deal with the challenging mission now that the group's circumstances had changed so drastically. Without Hakkai's unique skills as both a healer and a fighter, it truly would be far more difficult to achieve their objectives than it would have been with them. At least the former teacher would presumably make a new life for himself and that was one less burden for the monk to bear. 

Gojyo, however, was another case entirely. 

Sanzo felt confident now that unless he could offer Gojyo a place and a purpose, the destitute half-breed would most likely not live for much longer. Deliberate suicide was not probably the way it would end for the youkai, but unconscious negligence would most likely result in the same outcome.

A shattered heart rarely mends, something Sanzo was reminded of every time he recalled the gruesome sight of his master's mangled corpse. 

Wondering what himself, Goku, and Gojyo might do for transportation if he chose to continue the journey without Hakkai and therefore without Hakuryu, Sanzo took another contemplative draw on his cigarette. Never once did his own mantra regarding detachment come to mind for if it had, he might have been forced to admit that he would prefer to save the redhead rather than let him pass out of this life. 

It was important to note that there was not so much as a hint of an intention of trying to replace Hakkai in Gojyo's heart or his bed, however. 

Genjo Sanzo's ability to love--if indeed he had ever been capable of same--truly had been eradicated or at least forced into quiescence by Koumyou Sanzo's violent murder. As far as fulfilling his sexual needs was concerned, the aloof priest preferred the commitment-free company of fellow Buddhist monks. They shared his belief that the needs of the body should have as little to do with the needs of the heart and/or the soul as possible. Otherwise, tragedies much as he had just witnessed would continue to ruin the lives of those pledged to higher purposes. 

Hence, the best Sanzo could offer to the downtrodden half-breed whenever Gojyo was rational enough to listen again was a place at his side as a warrior and a purpose as one of the few attempting to save the human race. Even though he was unaware of it, these would probably seem like pallid replacements for the soul-deep bond that had been torn asunder, but they were better than nothing. 

Having made the decision to continue the journey minus two of its original members if nothing changed, Sanzo carelessly flicked the spent butt of his cigarette away. Without realizing it, he had very nearly flung it straight into the face of an immortal youth who wasn't paying attention to his surroundings as he returned to their temporary home. 

"Kyu!" Hakuryu complained bitterly when the glowing bit of filter and tobacco passed far too close to itself where it nestled in Goku's arms. 

Not one to apologize to humans under most circumstances, Sanzo certainly wasn't about to do the same to a dragon, so he turned the tables and chastised his ward, "Watch where the hell you're going, bakasaru!" A single thwack of a paper fan that then vanished once more accompanied the warning. 

"Huh?" Goku replied and then semi-smiled as he rubbed his head absentmindedly while adding, "Um, sorry, Sanzo. I was a little distracted."

Snorting in disgust since this minor incident proved the point that he had tried to get across to Gojyo regarding making mistakes when one's mind wasn't on one's task, Sanzo commented archly, "I figured that much out on my own already, baka." With a huff, he asked, "Do I even *want* to know what's on your mind?"

Goku stood in the street and peered up at his guardian as he ignored the blond man's typical foul mood and said, "Well, I was thinking about the fact that it's the twenty-fifth already. Since your birthday is just four days from now, is there anything you might want for it?" 

With an honest sigh of frustration, Sanzo replied simply, "Normalcy." Glancing over his shoulder at the entrance to the inn that led to the amnesiac who had thrown their lives into chaos through no fault of his own, he added, "I just want some goddamned *normalcy* again."

Totally lost, Goku rubbed Hakuryu's injured wing which was slowly improving and admitted, "What is that supposed to mean, Sanzo?"

Huffing to himself, Sanzo answered, "Don't worry about it, Goku." Stepping off the porch and then proceeding to walk away from the inn, he said, "I need some beer and a change of scenery. Let's go get something to eat."

Falling into step behind the robe-clad figure, Goku didn't need to mention the fact that the meat buns he'd had a little bit earlier hadn't filled his eternally empty belly, but he did feel obligated to ask, "Shouldn't I take Hakuryu up to Hakkai first, Sanzo?"

"No," Sanzo replied flatly and continued on his way without hesitation.

Goku frowned and asked, "Why not?" 

Looking behind himself for a moment and seeing a pair of garnet eyes giving him an unsettling gaze in return, Sanzo scowled and stated, "Considering what just happened back there, I think Hakuryu might be more than a little pissed at Hakkai at the moment."

Usually happy face falling into an expression of disappointment as the dragon in his arms keened miserably, Goku inquired, "That means Hakkai and Gojyo couldn't figure out how to be best friends again, right? That sucks."

"For Gojyo," Sanzo replied thoughtfully despite his ire regarding the entire situation, "it's a helluva lot worse than that, saru." He refocused his gaze on the street ahead of them as he stated, "But try not to worry over it. Neither of us can do a damned thing about it at this point." 

"If you say so, Sanzo," Goku reluctantly agreed.

"Kyu? Kyu?" Hakuryu inquired first of the boy carrying him and then of the man who led them farther and farther away from one of its dearest friends. 

With a shake of his head, Sanzo replied for them both and said, "No, Hakuryu, finding Gojyo right now would be a bad idea. That poor bastard's got to cope with this by himself for awhile." 

Nodding with a mournful kyu of acceptance and then burying its face in Goku's tunic, Hakuryu tried diligently not to imagine how badly things must have gone for the two souls it had been so pleased to have seen reunited. Deep within itself, the spirit of a draconic military commander was wise enough to begin wondering if all of this signaled an impending return to the nebulous void beyond life for another half-millennium, but the present awareness truly didn't wish to consider it. 

The unusual trio of beings allowed silence to fall over them as they went in search of not only food and drink, but also a respite from the darkness that had fallen over them all. At the rate things were going, the Sanzo-ikkou was going to be irrevocably altered for the worse before they left this small town and none of them wanted to face that any sooner than they absolutely had to.

*****

As the priest, boy, and dragon walked away from the inn, two troubled eyes watched them from a second story window with a mixture of emotions in their emerald depths. 

"So," Hakkai commented to himself quietly, "they have all chosen to leave me here alone for a time. Even Hakuryu and Goku prefer to be elsewhere. I wonder if I should take this willful abandonment as an act of condemnation or simply one of convenience?" 

There was no answer from the empty room, of course, neither did he expect one. It was simply easier at times to think out loud and he really did want to try to jog his memory if he could. With a small sigh, he reflected upon the fact that as he had watched Gojyo leaving earlier, the half-breed's dejected body language had spoken volumes. 

Having seen that as well as upon further contemplation of Gojyo's impassioned words, Hakkai no longer doubted that the redhead had been sincere about the intense relationship that he had described in such crude yet informative detail. However, the former teacher was unable to comprehend how someone like himself, a man who had no easily identifiable inherent sexual cravings for members of his own gender, had been seduced into becoming lovers with Gojyo.

There was an air of indescribable tragedy to Hakkai's loss of the sweet memories of how he and the man who truly was his eternal soulmate had become far closer than most lovers could ever claim to be. 

Gone were the recollections of the very first time he had awoken to find the handsome face of a man he had never seen before peering down at him with a relieved smile painted on its expressive features. Lost as well were memories of the days, weeks, and months of fond acquaintance that had allowed them to traverse the often dangerous path that allowed two strangers to become the best of friends and then much more. There were no longer the tender recollections of intimate moments which always resolved themselves fully only after the well endowed half-breed had assured his partner's pleasure prior to taking his own. 

Saddest of all was the fact that Hakkai could no longer remember exchanging avowals of undying love with Gojyo even though they were unaware that such promises were quite literal between them. 

When the currently unaware spirit dwelling within the amnesiac brunette had still been Tenpou, he had recognized Kenren as the partner he had unknowingly been missing fairly early in their relationship. The jaunty, occasionally reckless general still led the book-loving marshal on a merry chase at times both personally and professionally, yet he would never have disagreed that they were meant to be together long before they'd met. Granted, it had taken an afternoon of intimate reassurances following a brutal act for the two celestials to be able to put the love they felt for one another into so many words, but they'd not doubted its presence previously. 

The true reason why it was hard for the bonded souls to speak of love regardless of their incarnations was something lost in the annals of time, yet each pairing had eventually done so. The fact that Hakkai could not remember this was dreadfully sad.

Utterly unaware of all of this, Hakkai pondered, "What could have possibly drawn us together? We seem so terribly dissimilar." 

What Hakkai did not and could not realize because of his amnesia as well as his injuries was the eternal bond his soul had with the one dwelling within Gojyo's body. 

Hence, he could not even begin to understand that their genders were no more relevant to their need for one another than the color of their eyes or even that of their skin would have been. Whenever both spirits were born into the world at the same time, they would seek each other out instinctually. Whether they were born as a man and a woman, two men, or even two women, they would have been drawn to one another by a force more irresistible than gravitation. 

As it was, however, Hakkai could not acknowledge or obey that intrinsic need for Gojyo, therefore it was understandable that the half-breed's desires for and feelings towards him were completely off-putting. The brunette, confused and somewhat frightened, had retreated from his partner, seeking protection within a far colder shell than those around him knew he was capable of projecting.

Turning away from the window since the reddening light of sunset was reminding him too much of a pair of eyes that had been filled with sorrow when he had seen them last, Hakkai winced as he realized he had been leaning against his injured back for far too long. 

Most of the numerous gashes that had accounted for the severe bleeding Gojyo had found so disturbing after the shrapnel from the exploding food stand had torn his lover's body so horribly had been sutured closed, something that was notoriously uncomfortable. They were also apt to leave scars that would haunt Hakkai for the rest of his life much as the one on his abdomen did. There was the distant chance that the lines crisscrossing his back, arms, and legs might not leave too much of a reminder of that catastrophic day, but only time would tell.

Of greater concern to Hakkai was the damage done to the right side of his face. 

Virtually all of the rest of any lingering traces of his injuries could be concealed by clothing, but the ravaged cheek would be there for all the world to see. Even though he was certainly not a vain man, he knew disfigurement in such a prominent part of the body would inevitably bring him unwanted attention. The physician who had tended the wound initially had done his level best, though, and thanks to his efforts as well as what could only be described as simple good fortune, Hakkai would eventually have an unmarred complexion once more. 

The twin impact injuries on his head caused first by the stone which had destroyed his headband and the one in back where Sanzo had struck him were of little concern at this point. 

The line of tiny stitches closing the wound on his forehead was high in his lengthy bangs and was thereby concealed should a scar remain. Thanks to the priest's unerring aim and careful application of force, the injury at the base of his skull hadn't included an open wound, just some serious swelling and a minor concussion whose effects had already faded away. 

The wounds on Hakkai's hands would also heal well eventually, but that had been fairly obvious from the beginning, so he didn't worry about them despite the fact that they were incredibly painful. 

Moving cautiously in an attempt to become more comfortable and inadvertently making himself more miserable instead, Hakkai heaved a weary sigh and remarked, "Unless my memory returns, I assume I will never truly have all of the answers about not only Gojyo but so many other things as well. I crave the knowledge of my past that the others have, yet the only ones I am at ease when speaking with are Goku and Hakuryu and neither can tell me what I need to know most."

His eyes fell onto bandaged hands which rested impotently in his lap, as he contemplated this remark more fully. The reason he was unable to relax when his self-professed lover was in the room was obvious enough, but the fair-haired human was a different matter entirely. 

Without sufficient time to become accustomed to Sanzo's often brusque mannerisms and the coldly indifferent façade that was usually firmly in place when he spoke with him, Hakkai had very little to find favor with. A feeling of friendship with the often abrasive sutra-bearer was something one needed time to acquire and, simply put, two days was not long enough to accomplish such a feat.

As he adjusted his sitting position fruitlessly yet again, Hakkai came to the disappointing realization that for all of his efforts to rekindle the flames of his memories, he had failed. They remained as far away and inaccessible as they had been since he had reawakened after being wounded and that left him doubly disheartened.

In an attempt to distract himself from his increasing unhappiness as well as the pain of his injuries, Hakkai remarked to himself, "If I can perhaps soothe some of the discomfort that I am feeling and possibly sleep for a time, maybe something will change?" Putting his plan into action, he reached towards a small dish of painkillers sitting on the table beside his bed. 

In a demonstration of caring foresight, it had been Gojyo who had made sure that the tiny, white pills were not trapped inside a bottle with a safety cap that the injured man might not be able to open on his own. 

Recalling this tidbit of information brought a frown to Hakkai's face and he wondered, "How often has he been forced into the role of caretaker for me if this level of thoughtfulness is so automatic?" He carefully picked up what his slightly numb fingertips told him was one pill yet was in reality two as he added miserably, "This lack of knowledge of my past is truly maddening."

Without further comment, Hakkai administered the powerful drugs by taking a quick sip on the straw in a glass of water that Goku had left for him and then lifting his hand to his lips and swallowing far too quickly to notice the excess medication. A second sip followed the first and then he wormed his way down into a reclining position on his least damaged side hoping that sleep would claim him quickly. 

While adjusting the bedcovers so that he wasn't chilled as the air cooled during the onset of evening, Hakkai missed having Hakuryu do that for him as the precious little creature had a time of two in the course of events since he had regained consciousness. This led to a fleeting acknowledgement that having the dragon not rejoin him after he had spoken to Gojyo had hurt, yet that thought vanished when a yawn overtook him.

His eyelids grew heavy quickly and soon Hakkai was lost far more deeply than anticipated due to the unintentional doubling of the dosage of his pain medication. 

Anyone who knew the pharmacology of what he'd taken would have predicted that a slender man such as himself who had taken as much as he had wouldn't be able to rouse for even the wildest of earthquakes. Then again, they could also have offered reassurances that the mild overdose held no long-term risks for him and that was a blessing.

The sky outside shifted from burgundy into an indigo gradient that in turn gave way to a darkest sapphire that held a glowing, gibbous autumn moon which generously illuminated all those beneath it. Stars twinkled brightly after shyly revealing themselves and the gorgeously clear firmament above the tiny village seemed to mock not only the slumbering amnesiac, but also all of those who traveled with him. 

There seemed to be no hope left for a happy ending for the five eternally connected souls whose trials were taking a far greater toll than even Kanzeon bosatsu had ever intended. However, their future had not yet been determined and there remained an entire world of possible conclusions to this latest chapter in their lives.

*****

Sanzo needed quite a few beers plus a better than average meal to reclaim the equilibrium that had been thrown so badly off-kilter by the afternoon's events. As he leaned back in a chair and waited for the waitress to bring the Sanbutusin's debit card back along with his receipt, he asked, "So, Goku, think you and Hakuryu did enough damage to the kitchen staff tonight?"

Appreciating the rare display of the priest's odd sense of humor--something that neither Gojyo nor Hakkai saw very often--Goku beamed happily, patted his distended belly proudly, then replied, "We sure did, Sanzo!"

"Kyu!" The newly plump dragon offered its own vote of agreement, then added quizzically, "Kyu?"

Deciding it was better to enjoy a smoke than to merely sit and wait, Sanzo lit a Marlboro before replying, "Yes, worrywart, I'm sure the waitress will remember the take-out we ordered for Hakkai." 

Smiling and nodding its head before snaking its long neck out to look at the exhausted girl approaching with the slip for Sanzo to sign, the dragon duly noted the containers of food for the bedridden man that they'd left without assistance possibly rather too long. Hakuryu might've been upset about what had happened to Gojyo, but it certainly didn't like the idea of Hakkai being left unattended as long as he had been. There were certain physical needs that could be delayed but not ignored forever, hence it was understandably concerned for its injured friend's health and comfort.

The lack of a similar order for Gojyo was easily explained by the fact that if he had been successful in his plan to get rolling drunk, then it was entirely likely that they might not see him again until the next day at the earliest. 

Hakuryu tried diligently not to consider how much worse everything could get if the former lady's man reverted to type for a single night of womanizing due to impaired judgement. The load of guilt and self-hatred even a single kiss with anyone other than Hakkai would've placed squarely on the half-breed's shoulders at this point was almost too painful to imagine.

Quite glad to drop off the containers of food that she was carrying since it meant the three voracious diners were about to depart, the waitress smiled tiredly and said, "Here's your card and the receipt, sir. Just sign at the bottom, please." She put the to-go boxes near Goku with a slightly wary expression on her face.

Happily gathering the boxes to himself, Goku grinned and chirped, "Sankyuu!"

Charmed by the boyish smile in spite of her exhaustion, she chuckled wearily and replied, "You're welcome. How you've got room for more later is something I don't even want to think about."

"This isn't for me," Goku clarified, "it's for a friend of ours who was hurt in that nasty fire last week. He can't get up and go anywhere yet, so we're bringing him dinner."

The girl's expression fell somewhat as she offered, "I am *so* sorry. I had no idea."

"Why should you have?" Sanzo asked disinterestedly as he rose to his feet. After handing her the slip which now included a tip that was moderately more generous than he usually was since she'd been quite conscientious about keeping his mug of beer filled throughout the meal, he turned towards his companions and commanded, "Let's go."

After scooping Hakuryu up into one arm and the take-out boxes in the other, Goku said, "Sure thing, Sanzo!" To the waitress, he added, "Thanks again for everything, miss."

"Kyu!" Hakuryu offered its own thanks.

The girl bowed slightly and simply said, "Have a nice evening." With a sigh, she then went about the not inconsequential task of cleaning up the monumental stack of dirty dishes left behind by the boy and the dragon. 

Once they were under the starry, moonlit sky and making their way back to the inn, the trio spoke about things of little consequence since the harsh reality of their current situation would be thrust back upon them once they returned to Hakkai. No effort whatsoever was made to go in search of Gojyo since it would be best if he returned at his own pace and of his own freewill. 

As the welcoming lanterns on either side of the inn's door came into view, so too did a forlorn figure draped haphazardly across the porch railing like a forgotten, life-sized doll whose owner had carelessly discarded it there. 

With his head hanging down and letting lengthy hair dyed vermilion by the false sunshine of the lamps drift from side to side, Gojyo was quietly singing an old ballad filled with lamentations about losses of both the heart and soul. One of his hands waved blindly above his head as if he were conducting an accompanying orchestra and the other held the sad corpse of a cigarette gone to ash without a single puff being taken from it. Near his booted feet rested a large, greenish-amber jug that was half-full of a mysterious liquid, yet had no label identifying it. 

"Oh, this is just fucking great," Sanzo grumbled even though he was rather relieved that they now knew Gojyo hadn't lost his mind enough to be off in a bordello somewhere. Hakuryu wasn't the only one worried that the half-breed might allow the wrong portion of his anatomy to make his decisions as emotionally unbalanced as he was. 

Tiny eyes of a solid, sparkling red saddened and Hakuryu remarked quietly, "Kyu."

Goku gazed at his obviously besotted friend for a moment, then said simply, "I'll take Hakuryu upstairs and drop off Hakkai's food, too, Sanzo. Then I'll be right back to help you get Gojyo inside."

"Thanks, Goku," the blond replied absentmindedly as the boy vanished into the inn. He then went up onto the porch and approached Gojyo while carefully making enough noise to be sure that he would hear him. Startling an intoxicated warrior who could manifest a deadly weapon at will was definitely a bad idea. 

The creak of a board drew Gojyo's attention and his badly reddened eyes slipped sideways enough to note and identify the sandal-clad foot that had just come to rest nearby. Not lifting his head since he didn't want Sanzo to see that he had been indulging his need for a crying jag like the one he had experienced when he had been informed of Kiko's death, he sniffled once then returned to singing off-key.

With a small, only mildly miffed snort, Sanzo asked, "Mission accomplished, ne, asshole?" 

Letting his dirge fade away, Gojyo slurred in return, "Yash, Zanzo, I got m'self good 'n plastered." Instead of hiccuping like most drunkards might, he sniffled again and added mournfully, "But it's not helpin' nothin'. I keep rememberin' that 'Kai hates me now."

Amethyst eyes rolled skywards as the priest heaved a huff of breath. 

Then, in an act of kindness offered only because he was sure it would be forgotten by the time the half-breed awoke with the hangover of a lifetime, Sanzo placed a hand on Gojyo's back to steady him as he said, "He doesn't hate you, Gojyo. He just doesn't remember…" He stumbled verbally for a moment, then began the sentence over, saying, "He just doesn't remember whatever the hell you two had together, that's all."

For a moment or two, Sanzo thought perhaps Gojyo had fallen asleep since there was neither motion nor sound from him in reply other than ragged, miserable breathing. 

But then a tear-stained face rose to peer blearily at him as Gojyo asked an inevitable question for which there was no answer. "D'ya think he's gonna ever 'member that later, Sanzo?" 

"In all honesty, Gojyo, I wish I knew, but I don't," Sanzo's quiet reply was dreadfully out of character for him under normal circumstances, yet these were as far from "normal" as things got for the Sanzo-ikkou and exceptions to the rules were being made right, left, and center. 

Letting his head flop back down too abruptly and moaning when it caused him pain, Gojyo commented, "Me, too." The sniffle that interrupted his words was soft and agonized before he moaned, "Wish I knew if 'Kai'd ever be 'Kai again at all…."

Shaking his head slowly, Sanzo answered, "You aren't the only one, kappa." Deciding to try to redirect the conversation towards a less somber topic, he used his foot to tap on the jug sitting nearby and asked, "What kind of rotgut did you find to drink yourself stupid with? I thought I'd given you enough cash for something decent, baka."

The lowered head turned a little and Gojyo stared at the bottle for a long moment before replying in increasingly difficult to understand speech, "I found sumthin' better 'n reg'lar booze. Dat's mead, the town's speshl'ty drink."

Curious in spite of himself, Sanzo hoisted the jug and took a swallow to see if it was any good or not as well as to try to assess whether it would be best to induce vomiting now or just let Gojyo sleep off the alcoholic contents of his stomach. To his surprise, the fermented honey and water blend rolled gently across his tongue, lightly caressing his taste buds before sliding warmly down his throat. The luscious aftertaste was delightful and the smoothness was incomparable. 

"Amazing," the priest remarked before taking another swig, "this is better than just about anything I've had in awhile. I damned well hope you can remember where you got it once you're sober again, dimwit. I'd like to get more before we leave this pathetic excuse for a town someday soon."

There was no reply to this statement, just a quiet sniffle that seemed to be part snore instead. 

Noting the change and feeling glad about it for the most part, Sanzo patted Gojyo's back only once to get his attention, then asked, "Falling asleep standing up, idiot?"

The quiet reply wasn't really necessary, but Sanzo actually almost smiled with relief when he heard a soft, tear-roughened voice say, "'m sleepy." 

A quiet clatter of boots announced Goku's imminent return and Sanzo hastily pulled his hand from where it had rested for a few minutes and made sure to set the mead aside for retrieval later. Turning to glance at the boy, he asked, "What's wrong now, Goku? That frown of yours looks like more bad news and that does *not* make me happy." 

"I think there's something new wrong with Hakkai, Sanzo," Goku replied worriedly. "When I went in the room to drop off Hakuryu, he didn't wake up even when Hakuryu tried to get him to. But he was breathing okay and everything, so maybe he was just really tired after all the stuff that happened today."

"Maybe," Sanzo agreed noncommittally, then suggested, "or maybe he took one of those pain pills the doctor left for him. Those made him quite drowsy yesterday, remember? Either way, come give me a hand with Gojyo. The maudlin fool's dozing off just standing here."

Deciding to let the concerns about the brunette fade away in favor of taking care of the redhead, Goku made a noise of agreement then ducked his head up from under one of Gojyo's arms before asking softly, "Hey, kappa, want some help getting up to bed?" 

Confused wine-colored eyes dragged themselves open slowly, then Gojyo murmured in puzzlement, "G'ku?"

Laughing very quietly as he straightened and pulled the taller youkai up with him, the boy replied, "Yes, Gojyo, it's just me, Goku." Taking a firm grip on a flaccid, wrapped wrist to insure Gojyo wouldn't fall off en route, he urged again, "You need to go get some sleep now. You're tired, right?" 

There was no reply other than a sleepy, drunken nod.

Sanzo slipped into position on Gojyo's opposite side and wordlessly helped carry him inside, up the stairs, and down to the room the five of them had been sharing. Once inside, they were greeted with a worried noise from the dragon nestled against Hakkai's side, but there wasn't time to deal with that yet. Gojyo was fast asleep now and hung across their shoulders like deadweight. 

"where do we put him?" Goku whispered. Neither of the two sleepers could have heard him, but it was force of habit to speak in hushed tones when others were resting nearby. 

Alternately disgusted and then sympathetic, Sanzo glanced at carefully made bedrolls tucked in a corner and then said in a normal tone of voice, "My bed. At least one of the doctors has left by now, so we ought to be able to get a second room for the two of us later."

"Okay," Goku agreed and helped dump Gojyo's limp form onto what had previously been Sanzo's bed. He then went about the task of removing Gojyo's heavy boots and setting them aside as well as getting one of the blankets from the floor to cover the already snoring half-breed.

If Goku had any inkling of the true nature of the relationship the two elder youkai had lost between them as a result of the amnesia, he might have questioned the wisdom of leaving them alone together, however he was blissfully ignorant of that fact. He knew Hakkai was angry with Gojyo for something, but that was about as far as his current knowledge base would take him. Therefore leaving them alone in the room together didn't strike him as a particularly bad idea. 

Besides, if Goku had complained, he might have risked sharing a room with the inebriated sot and he knew that could have distinctly unpleasant results in the morning. 

Despite an adulthood of fairly significant alcohol consumption, Gojyo was no less likely to be able to retain the contents of his stomach if he awoke with a severe hangover than most other people. For that matter, this was something Gonou had been witness to in years past and it certainly wasn't a pleasant way to start the day. 

Compared to his ward, Sanzo actually had a quite different and somewhat unexpected view of what he assumed might occur when Hakkai awoke to find that he was no longer alone. 

If only the amnesiac would take a moment to realize that Gojyo hadn't taken advantage of him while asleep--something Sanzo was absolutely certain would not occur regardless--perhaps he could start to see the other youkai less negatively. There was a faint hope that the quintet of travelers might find a new balance amongst themselves and be able to leave together as planned previously. If this might bring that possibility into being, the leader of the group would gladly take the risk.

Eventually, Gojyo was tucked into bed as well as he needed to be and Sanzo had taken the opportunity to check Hakkai's condition. All signs indicated that the recovering patient had indeed taken some of the powerful drugs sitting close to hand, therefore there was no reason to worry. 

Dusting off his hands as if washing them of this entire nightmarish affair, Sanzo said, "Goku, let's go out again. It's barely after ten o'clock and I can't stand being cooped up so early."

"But what if Hakkai or Gojyo need us and we're gone, Sanzo?" Glancing from one slumbering form to the other, the boy added, "Won't that be a problem?" 

"They're both down for the count, trust me on that," Sanzo sighed. As an inducement, he then added, "I thought I saw a place with some guy making fresh custard crepes when we were walking back here after dinner, saru. Would you like some of those for dessert?" 

Before the boy whose eyes were now alight with interest could respond, a quietly hopeful voice inquired, "Kyu?"

"Sure, you can come, too, Hakuryu," Goku said and watched as the dragon gave its sleeping friend a gentle nuzzle before lifting into the air and making the short, awkward flight to Goku's shoulder. As strong yet careful talons dug into the strange shoulder pads that the snowy creature found there, he asked, "Are you sure you don't want to stay with Hakkai and Gojyo, though? I thought you were worried about them."

Swiveling its neck from side to side and taking in the sorrowful state of both of its housemates, Hakuryu keened quietly then indicated with a shrug of its wings that it couldn't really express what it was feeling.

"Just bring the dragon along, baka," Sanzo commanded, then led the way out of the room. 

En route, Goku dutifully placed Hakkai's take-out into a refrigerator that the innkeeper's wife let them use and then the trio headed off into the chilly late evening air searching for distractions from their troubles.

Freshly made crepes filled with perfectly spiced, late autumn apples and only slightly sweet custard went surprisingly well with some of the mead Sanzo made sure to take with them. It was only a temporary respite from their woes, but it was better than staying at the inn and worrying over the inevitable. 

*****

To be continued.

Please be advised: Chapter 4 will be posted alone.

Posted: 06 November 2003 ~1:25am EST


	5. Moments of Truth

****

Title: Shattering [chapter 5/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc" 

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R 

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai) 

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers. 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

On the twenty-sixth of November, in a small inn in a tiny town somewhere along the path of the journey to the west, a particularly accurate clock on a bedside table read 12:35:03am. 

On either side of the nightstand, two men were profoundly asleep. One was lost in slumber due to prescription painkillers. The other was equally in thrall to the goddess of rest due to the powerfully sedating mead which he had consumed with the intention of forgetting his troubles. The silence of the room was broken only by the soft inhalations and exhalations of the sleepers, thereby generating an overall impression of amiable, domestic peace.

Said impression, however, was about to be totally destroyed.

As the clock's display silently changed to 12:35:04am, one of the two dreamers suddenly awoke with a start. Emerald eyes flew wide as a horrible, soul-wrenching sensation of prescience tore Hakkai from his dreams. 

Something, somewhere was about to threaten someone or something that he loved, he was absolutely certain of it. 

This realization caused the brunette's heart to race and his bloodstream to fill with the adrenaline that would grant him the strength to do what needed to be done in spite of not only his injuries but also the drugs in his system. Due to his recent trauma, however, he could not remember his past and had no certain knowledge just who it was that he might care enough about to have had such a strong precognitive warning regarding. 

Before the clock could change its reading, the amnesiac's eyes darted around the room and he vaguely acknowledged that there was indeed a person in the bed opposite his own, but he assumed that it was merely the irascible priest and gave him no additional thought. Hakkai intended to continue his visual inventory of his surroundings, yet suddenly there was a bizarre rippling in the air between the two beds that caught and held his gaze. 

At the precise millisecond that the clock initially read 12:35:05am, the distortion solidified itself into the terrifying form of a muscular youkai with long, pointed ears, crazed eyes, and the dark blue tattoos that marked him as one of Gyokumen kosyu's personal assassins. 

Kougaiji's step-mother's creature's beastly claws were expertly wrapped around a razor-sharp short sword that had clearly bathed in the blood of many victims and fully intended to do the same here, too. His grotesquely over-long tongue lapped at the blade once before poising it above the sleeping form in the other bed all the while grinning in delight in anticipation of the mayhem it was about to unleash. 

The assassin's orders had been simple enough. Find the Sanzo-ikkou and kill them all before returning with the holy sutra that the empress lusted for. Who he killed first had seemed irrelevant when the mission had been assigned to him, thus the fact that he had targeted Gojyo first was simple happenstance and nothing more. 

Even as the deadly blade was raised above it, the figure in the bed rolled over and long, maroon tresses spilled into Hakkai's line of sight thereby sending a jolt of recognition through the human-turned-youkai that broke the barriers erected by recent events.

Time ceased to move as Tenpou gensui, a spirit that had been quiescent until that exact moment, reawakened as did something far more powerful than he himself was. A flood of memory surged up and overtook Hakkai much as a tremendous tsunami can overtake any low-lying land that it assails. 

In less than heartbeat, his previously missing memories of all that had occurred prior to the recent disaster came rushing back to him. 

Moments of pain, hours of pleasure, days of love, months of friendship, and years of affection both spoken and unspoken manifested themselves in Hakkai's mind once more. Racing into him were the emotions that he'd forgotten; the trust and joy that he had shared with his soulmate were back as were the recollections of the less positive moments that were outweighed by the wonderful days they had shared. Somewhere behind all of this, of course, were the memories involving all of his other friends and enemies, but in that timeless instant only one person truly meant anything at all to him. 

Realizing that exceptionally important man was in mortal danger, Hakkai reacted instinctively by drawing on his ki-channeling abilities while screaming, "GOJYO!!" 

The numbers on the clock changed to read 12:35:06am even as a ball of glowing green life-force the size of a large melon literally erupted from between badly wounded hands, decimating the bandages there before slamming into the menacing newcomer. 

The assassin didn't even have time to realize that he was in danger before all that remained of him was a dark red smear of blood on the room's floor. The frightening short sword vanished as well due to the mystic attack and if it were not for the metallic reek of blood in the air, it might have been easy to have failed to realize that something dramatic had just occurred in the room. 

Despite the sound of his own name being screamed by the one he loved, Gojyo never once reacted to the single second of horror that had played out nearby. His body remained as quietly at rest when the clock read 12:35:07am as it had previously.

Shaking and finding the breath in his lungs painful, Hakkai was distracted for a split second as he tried to bring his memories from prior to the explosion in the marketplace to the current moment into alignment. When they snapped together abruptly and he was able to recall his own harsh words uttered in this very room less than a day earlier, he moaned very softly, "oh, no. gojyo…"

Time resumed its stately pace as he struggled to force his injured body up from the bed and with stumbling steps on legs that were not ready yet to carry the burden of his full weight, he crossed the small distance to the other bed. 

Reaching beseechingly towards Gojyo with both hands, Hakkai quietly pleaded in a rapidly fading voice, "dearest gojyo, even though i do not deserve it, please forgive me…" 

An overwhelming feeling of love and devotion filled him even as the incredibly brief burst of adrenaline lost its power to hold back the effects of the painkillers in his bloodstream. Hakkai didn't take time to note the presence of wetness in his own eyes as he murmured, "i do still love you…" he was losing the battle against unconsciousness as he stated, "and i do still want you, now and forever…" 

A forceful shudder ran through him as his internal systems overrode his willpower and the injured man was plunged headfirst once more into darkness. 

Hakkai's body then resembled that of a marionette whose strings had been cut as he crumpled into an insensate heap partially atop his lover and partially sprawled across the bloodstained floor. His arms had come to rest around Gojyo's waist and his head was pillowed upon the half-breed's chest as if he had intended to merely lay there a moment, listening to the reassuring rhythm of the heart beating nearby. 

When the clock finally informed no one in particular that it was now 12:35:46am, the room was once more silent other than the soft sounds of the breathing of the intertwined couple. 

One was still lost in the recesses of drunken dreams whereas the other was now lost far deeper. Yet the gentle, sweet smile that graced the lips of the unconscious man, a smile conspicuously absent for the prior few days, bespoke the radical improvement that had just occurred. 

*****

Following his guardian with a satisfied smile of satiation on his lips since Sanzo had let him sample all eight of the crepe-maker's different dessert offerings, Goku carried a sleepy dragon in his arms and had no complaints whatsoever. 

With a three-quarters empty jug of mead in one hand and a freshly lit Marlboro in the other, Sanzo tried diligently to pay attention to the act of walking instead of thinking about the mess that might await them if Hakkai had awoken and taken exception to Gojyo's presence. 

It hadn't been until somewhere between the second and third crepe that he had enjoyed between sips of honey-sweet liquor that Sanzo had had misgivings regarding his earlier decision to abandon the two elder youkai for a while. At that point, though, he recommitted himself to the hope that they might work out their differences and hadn't indicated to his dining companions that he was concerned.

When he realized that his attempt at performing the type of walking meditation that he'd never really perfected in the first place was failing, Sanzo was about to offer a few words of warning to Goku regarding the trouble that they could be about to walk into. However, a sudden flash of an unmistakable fluorescent green from a window above them prevented any such comment.

"What the fuck?!?" Sanzo exclaimed loudly. 

Eyes like chips of amethyst widened in time to note the profile of an unknown youkai clearly unburdened by power limiters silhouetted by the verdant glow. The unearthly light easily revealed a wicked looking blade poised and ready to strike. With a wince, Sanzo had to turn away as the light grew brighter still and then burst past the windowpanes to lance out and paint every surface nearby a brilliant chartreuse for less than a second.

Neither Goku nor Hakuryu had been looking in the right direction to have seen the initial blast, yet when they were both temporarily awash in green brilliance, they knew exactly what had happened.

"That was Hakkai!!" Goku shouted urgently before dashing towards the inn's front porch.

Safely enfolded in the unearthly youth's arms, Hakuryu keened loudly and stretched its neck towards the lamp-lit opening as if it could enhance Goku's speed and thereby arrive where it wanted to be even faster than it would already. 

"Kyu! Kyu!!" The dragon urged unnecessarily. 

Hakuryu was suddenly filled with guilt for having chosen to go out with Sanzo and Goku instead of staying behind to guard Hakkai and Gojyo as they slept. If it could've flown unaided all the way to the bedroom on the floor above them, it would have, but for now it contented itself with being carried swiftly along by the boy who was also flooded with remorse.

Snarling an oath of rage that someone had dared to attack *his* underlings in so cowardly a fashion, Sanzo flung aside both bottle and cigarette as he raced after Goku. His long sleeves flapped behind him as his sandal-clad feet ran as quickly as they were able to en route to a scene that he now feared might be far worse than any he had imagined earlier. 

If the assassin had already killed Gojyo before Hakkai could muster his powers, then regardless of the pair's recent estrangement, there would undoubtedly be hell to pay. Then again, the very idea that the injured healer could even produce a blast of life force that way seemed impossible. Hakkai had forgotten how to use his ki-channeling ability, hadn't he?

Booted feet hammered on the stairway ahead of him and Sanzo redoubled his efforts to catch up while growling, "I am *so* going to kill that asshole Kougaiji for this! What the hell happened to his sense of fairness and justice and all of that crap he likes to spew?!" 

When Goku crested the stairs, Hakuryu launched itself into the air and flew the final meters under its own power in an attempt to close the distance with its housemates as quickly as possible. The dragon nosed open the door that had been left only loosely shut, then it and Goku both vanished into the room only a moment before Sanzo flung himself in as well. 

The heartwarming, moonlit scene that greeted them, of course, was almost as far from Sanzo's worst fears as it might have been able to be.

The little dragon fluttered above the two apparently sleeping youkai, offering excited noises of delight before landing on the bed near the inebriated redhead. It was performing a quick assessment for itself of Hakkai and Gojyo's conditions and was sufficiently satisfied by what it found that it offered a draconic grin of triumph.

Huge golden eyes blinking in confusion, Goku asked, "Sanzo? What do you think happened in here?" As the pungent, sanguinolent scent of the room filled his sensitive nostrils, he winced and added, "Yuck. I smell blood. But whose?!" 

Sanzo wordlessly shared the boy's fears, but when he spotted the smear of wet redness on the floor near Hakkai, he pointed and said, "Look over there, saru. Before I was nearly blinded by Hakkai's ki-blast, I saw a youkai up here attacking someone and it would appear that's all that's left of the bastard." 

Deciding to confirm what the dragon's expression was telling him, Sanzo stepped close enough to the couple on the bed to lightly touch the sides of each of their necks, easily confirming that strong pulses ran there still. As he did so, he couldn't help but note the tender smile on Hakkai's lips or the way he was protectively draped over Gojyo, hugging the half-breed despite his own unconscious state.

Shaking his head slowly, Sanzo muttered, "Well, I'll be damned."

"What do you mean?" Goku asked as he joined him and peered at their comrades. Then his own albeit limited understanding of the situation dawned and he smiled brightly as he announced, "I think they're best friends again, Sanzo! Isn't that great?" 

The priest's sigh of relief turned into a soft snort as he rejoined, "You don't know the half of it, bakasaru!" 

"Ky~yu!" Hakuryu joyfully agreed in a happy sing-song. 

Once more shaking his head in astonishment and more than a little relief, Sanzo grumbled, "Well, we can't leave these two half-wits like this for the rest of the night. Give me a hand, Goku." 

Sanzo knelt slightly before hoisting Hakkai onto wobbly, unaware feet enough for Goku to lend a hand. They had him slung between themselves when a soft rustle of fabric informed them that Hakuryu wanted to help, too, and had removed the blanket that had been covering Gojyo. It was an unsubtle command if ever there was one.

Goku was surprised by this unexpected gesture, but then he had to pay attention as Sanzo guided the brunette not into the empty bed but rather into the one the half-breed occupied. Confused yet continuing to assist as needed, the boy asked, "Ne, Sanzo? Why aren't we putting him back in the other bed?" 

The blond made an annoyed grunt, then explained with a growl, "The dragon here seems to want it that way, plus I don't feel like hauling his heavy butt all the way across the room, saru."

Accepting this at face value as he did virtually everything his guardian told him, Goku simply nodded his understanding and then forgot the issue entirely when he noticed that Hakkai needed a pillow. 

While Goku was distracted by the task of obtaining a pillow from the other bed, Sanzo was taking a moment to examine the healer's hands to see if immediate rebandaging needed to be done or not. The thick layers of scabs holding the wounds closed had held for the most part in spite of the rough manner in which the bindings that had protected them had been torn off. The minimal amount of blood seeping from them would simply shore up the natural bulwark against infection within minutes and he decided to do nothing about it just then.

Other reopened and bleeding injuries were hidden by Hakkai's clothing and were already protected by the layers of bandages the doctor had put in place the day before. Thus neither Sanzo nor Goku even noticed them.

Putting Hakkai's hands back down and then accepting the blanket from the dragon, Sanzo shook out the bedspread with a negligent snap of his wrists and was about to drape it over the pair. But he paused as Gojyo made a quiet noise as he instinctually reached out in his sleep to grasp the warm body nearby and draw it closer. 

Despite never awakening at all, the redhead had arranged them both into a mutually comforting position and if he'd had any sense of shame at all, the blond might have felt embarrassed by witnessing the tender display.

Instead, the priest quietly snorted derisively and said, "Forget the pillow, Goku. They're fine just like this." He spread the blanket over the two slumbering forms who were immediately joined by a third who nestled itself closely against the small of Hakkai's back. 

Hands full of a pillow and the blanket taken from the empty bed, Goku blinked for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, Sanzo, if you say so."

"Yes, I 'say so'," the priest stated as he glanced at the clock before remarking, "I'm glad we already got another room. I'd have hated to go hassle with that pain-in-the-ass innkeeper at one in the morning." 

"Makes sense to me," Goku commented as he dumped the extra bed items onto the floor near Gojyo in case the others needed them later. Without a word of explanation, he took a moment to mop up the blood with a towel which he then tossed aside rightfully assuming that the cleaning woman who took care of the room would rather bleach that than the floor. 

While Goku did a little housekeeping, Sanzo was gathering a few items that they would both need in the nearby room they'd be sharing until they could all get back on the road again. 

Comfortable clothes to sleep in were soon in hand as was an extra pack of Marlboros and a backup lighter just in case his lie regarding the level of fluid in the one in his sleeve-pocket became a self-fulfilling prophesy. For a moment, Sanzo regretted the loss of the remaining mead--he'd been looking forward to a sleep-inducing nightcap--but as tired as he was now, he didn't think that would be a problem. 

Once his task was completed, Goku took a moment to stroke the dragon's neck in a wish for a pleasant night's rest as he said, "It's great that everything's okay again, isn't it, Hakuryu?"

With a firm nod of its milky head, the dragon replied with an almost purring, "Kyu."

After snorting impatiently, Sanzo commanded, "Let's go. I think I might actually get a decent night's sleep if we get out of here before all of this damned excessive sweetness gives me a fucking toothache."

After one last fond pat to the dragon's head, Goku agreed, saying, "Sure, Sanzo. Besides," he yawned hugely before grinning sleepily as he headed towards the open doorway, "I am super-duper full after that huge dinner and all those yummy crepes. I think I'll have loads of good dreams tonight instead of nightmares for a change."

Sanzo shrugged negligently as he remarked, "That would be good. You snore less when that happens." 

As he exited the room, the priest pulled the door closed behind him without any concerns regarding unpleasant revelations to contend with in the morning. Even though neither of the youkai that were now resting close together had said a word to confirm his suspicions, he had no doubts that they were well on the way to bridging the gap which amnesia had forced into being between them. 

Granted, he wasn't looking forward to the frank discussion he would have to have with them regarding the way they comported themselves now that their "secret" relationship was well and truly revealed--to himself at least--but that was a worry for later.

Peaceful silence eventually descended on the five traveling companions, each of which would find it was a night without haunting images to disturb them. Hakkai's period of unconsciousness would be fairly brief and would segue directly into healthful slumber, something made a hundred times better than it might've been if there wasn't a warm, protective body cradling him close.

*****

More than seven hours after the assassination attempt that had changed everything for the Sanzo-ikkou, buttery sunlight crept silently through a west-facing window and then eased its way up the side of a bed which contained not one but rather three occupants. 

Wakefulness was almost as stealthy as the light of day was as it came upon Gojyo. 

His choice of intoxicants the evening before had been an excellent one. The locally produced mead was highly prized not only for its smooth richness, but also for the fact that it rarely induced a hangover worth worrying over. The recipe for the honey-based drink had been refined with that in mind since this was a small town filled with working people who could not afford to be unable to perform their tasks simply due to seeking a bit of refreshment. 

Pleasantly pain-free, the half-breed roused with very little motion since he was instinctively aware that he was not alone. 

Two strangely long rows of eyelashes fluttered apart like the wings of some unprecedented species of moth as he hesitantly opened one eye hoping against hope that he wasn't in bed with either a woman or, worse, Genjo Sanzo himself. The second thought brought a shudder of revulsion which he masterfully suppressed even as he realized that whoever it was had their head buried beneath the covers as if too bashful to reveal their identity. 

With an inaudible groan of fear, he shrunk away from the person who was so close. When he looked past the hump in the blanket that covered his unknown bedmate, scarlet eyes rose to take in an unexpected sight and he froze because of it. 

Peering at him with a bright smile was a tiny, triangular head with solid, garnet-hued eyes surrounded by snow-white fur and it was all Gojyo could do to keep from shouting with delight. Having Hakuryu so close by and actually acting as if it was perfectly happy after all of the recent difficulties meant that the one in his arms was exactly and precisely who he would've hoped it might be. 

Therefore, instead of shouting in elation, he just whispered in greeting, "good morning, bright eyes." The twin scars on his left cheek bunched together as he smiled broadly. 

The dragon's smile turned into a grin of joy of its own as it offered equally quietly, "kyu!"

Continuing to keep as quiet as he could, Gojyo asked worriedly, "is 'kai okay now, hakuryu? memories back and all that good shit?"

Tilting its head at an angle before looking aside briefly, Hakuryu pondered how to express the fact that it wasn't completely certain that all was well but that it assumed it was. Realizing that its one word vocabulary had left it in the lurch yet again, the dragon then looked back at its friend and replied uncertainly, "kyu…?" It shrugged its wings a little and left it at that.

Instantly worried once more, Gojyo found himself on the horns of a dilemma. Should he awaken his bedmate and find out the truth for himself, an action that might end badly if Hakkai was in bed with him against his will? Or should he try to escape before it was too late? 

The only thing keeping this from becoming a true crisis was the fact that both men were obviously dressed beneath their shared bedcovers. If they had been nude, on the other hand, Gojyo would have panicked and things could have gone very badly indeed. Chewing on his lower lip thoughtfully as he tried to decide what to do, the resolution of this challenge was taken out of his hands.

With a quiet moan of discomfort, Hakkai stirred slightly before a head covered in mussed chocolate tresses emerged from under the blanket. 

Sleepy verdant eyes blinked a few times and it was clear that he was rather badly disoriented in large part due to the mild overdose of painkillers slowly fading from his bloodstream. The large wad of gauze affixed to his damaged right cheek hung a bit loosely where their intimate sleeping arrangement had caused the surgical tape holding it in place to come free, but otherwise he seemed perfectly normal.

Ruthlessly stifling flashbacks to mornings in their own shared bed back home in the small apartment that they had left behind in August, Gojyo found himself tongue-tied as he said softly, "um, g'morning, hakkai. er, um, did you sleep okay?" He caught himself before he could add the possibly unwanted endearment that usually went with an inquiry of that sort. 

The bridge of Hakkai's nose wrinkled momentarily as he frowned in concentration while trying to pull his full consciousness away from the pleasant dreamscape that he had just left behind. However, that lasted all of a microsecond and suddenly Gojyo found himself trapped in an almost strangling chokehold. 

"Oh, crap!" Gojyo exclaimed, misinterpreting the clinging embrace as an attack instead of the fervent display of love that it was.

Before any further misunderstanding could pass between them, Hakkai relaxed his fierce hug long enough to lift a weary face that held apprehension as well as joy as he explained, "I've got my memory back, Gojyo! I… I…." His mouth moved in a subvocal attempt to express himself, then he added more firmly, "I am so very, very sorry for all of the things I said to you! I…." Words abandoned him entirely as little puddles of teardrops grew on the rims of his lower eyelids. 

Warmth suffused Gojyo as he filled in the blanks between Hakkai's words and his meaning. Then he reached up and gently stroked the tears away with the pad of his thumb even as he smiled and teased lightly, "Oh? Is that *everything* you've ever said to me, 'Kai, or just some particular things?" 

Snuffling back the sudden congestion in his nose, Hakkai let his eyes widen slightly as he rushed to reassure, "Just the horrible things I said while I didn't know who I was, Gojyo." He felt the strong chest pressed warmly against his own shudder with repressed, relieved laughter as he added sincerely, "It's unimaginable to me now that I could have possibly forgotten not only *you* but *all* that we shared together! And to think of the dreadful way that I repudiated not only you but our wonderful intimacy, too, I… I…." The human-turned-youkai's battle against tears was lost completely at this point. 

Hakkai stopped trying to find the words that he needed and just threw himself into the tightest hug his injured body could provide. His head was averted and his eyes were scrunched shut as he wept, unaware that he had been joined in the potent expression of emotion. 

Gojyo wasn't surprised to find himself crying with joy now that the frightening period of estrangement between them appeared to be over. As salty beads of happiness painted trails on his cheeks, he recalled how difficult it had been not to cry the day more than three years prior when he had been reunited with the man he'd known as Nanashi at the time. 

Standing in front of a fruit stand and loudly welcoming a person that he had been told was dead, Gojyo had had a very hard time keeping his tears at bay. It was so difficult, in fact, that he could recall being choked up by acute tightness in his throat. Now, however, their relationship meant so much more to him than it had then and since there wasn't an audience to be concerned about, he let the teardrops fall unhindered.

Of course, this was certainly not the first time the couple had found themselves sharing tears. Nevertheless, it was one of the rare times that it was because of gladness and not sorrow.

Even as the loving pair was briefly lost in their joyful reunion, neither youkai spared much more than a thought to the location of his missing traveling companions since Sanzo and Goku were more than capable of taking care of themselves. Hence it was perfectly logical to assume they were elsewhere, properly billeted and sufficiently content with the current situation not to burst in on them suddenly. 

Thus it was easy to see why they gave that aspect of the moment no further consideration, preferring to focus exclusively on each other and their newly rediscovered relationship. 

When Hakkai had first clasped Gojyo to himself in an almost painfully tight embrace, Hakuryu had danced out of the way with a beat of its wings and a hop or two of its sturdy little legs. Now able to observe without interfering, it stood near the head of the bed and beamed radiantly.

The way the two men were crying no more bothered the magical creature than it did them, yet the moment brought to mind a sad night in June when the pair had first attempted intercourse and had failed spectacularly. This in turn brought other, better memories of similar situations with far superior resolutions. Hakuryu correctly assumed that there wouldn't be an opportunity for such an interaction to complete this lovely reunion of sorts since Hakkai hadn't recovered nearly enough for an intimate encounter of that nature. 

This realization didn't disturb Hakuryu too much, though, and when it judged there to be an opportune moment for it to do so, it interjected in a normal tone of voice, "Kyu?"

Breaking apart enough so they could each gaze at their winged friend, Gojyo and Hakkai both wiped tears from their eyes before the brunette admitted, "I beg your pardon, Hakuryu, I didn't quite catch that. What were you asking?" 

Chuckling in spite of everything, Gojyo roughly swiped the last dampness from his cheeks and remarked, "Oh, that's rich, 'Kai. When you couldn't remember diddlysquat, you could still understand everything the dragon said. But now that you're back in the game, you can't figure out what it's saying? That's *rich*, I tell ya!"

Accepting the tacit offer to break the tension with humor, Hakkai shot a sidelong glance at his beloved partner, then repeated, "Please, Hakuryu, what was it that you wished to ask?" 

Gesturing at Hakkai's hands with its head, Hakuryu responded inquisitively, "Kyu?"

Following the dragon's gaze down to his damaged palms, Hakkai pursed his lips and frowned slightly as he considered his other injuries as well. With a resigned sigh since lying to either of those whose brilliant red eyes were watching him carefully was out of the question, he admitted, "No, I am afraid that I am far from 'all right' at the moment." He flexed his hands only once, then winced as he continued, "I have no regrets regarding my actions last night--saving Gojyo would be worth any cost, of course--but it would appear that I have undone some of the healing that my body had accomplished."

The expression of complete shock on Gojyo's face was an elegant expression of how completely unaware he had been the night before as well as proving that he'd failed to note the lack of bandages around his partner's hands. He demanded, "What the hell are you talking about, baby?!" Without allowing time for a reply as he had often done in the past when agitated, he added urgently, "You had to save me from *what*, 'Kai?!"

Slightly surprised since he'd overlooked the fact that Gojyo had been totally unaware of what had transpired the night before, Hakkai rushed to say, "Please, Gojyo, don't overreact! It was only one enemy youkai and--"

"Kyu!" Hakuryu interjected angrily. Glaring at Hakkai, it demanded the truth for itself as well as the half-breed.

"The dragon's damned well right, 'Kai! There's no such thing as 'only one enemy youkai' where we're involved!" Gojyo tried to calm himself yet only found his dismay growing when Hakkai lifted a bare hand as if to ask for a chance to explain further. Gathering said hand to himself and noting the new scabs on its palm, he deflated unhappily and asked, "You got tore up more because I was too fucking drunk to protect myself, didn't you? Oh, shit…"

Resolution replaced pleading in his expressive eyes as Hakkai stated, "Those are mere scratches, Gojyo, nothing of significance. If you will give me but a moment, I will explain to you what happened, all right?"

Still feeling inadequate, Gojyo agreed, saying, "Well, all right, baby, but you *know* how much it gets to me when I see you bleed! I told you that a couple of weeks ago when you hurt yourself chopping wood, remember?"

"Ah, yes, I do recall that you had mentioned that," Hakkai acknowledged, then his gentle smile crept back to his lips as he described the important recent events from his own point of view. "Regarding the incident last night, well, I was awakened by a feeling that something terrible was about to happen. Almost immediately, a youkai that I had never seen before adorned by strange tattoos and carrying a short sword materialized in our room and--"

"It 'materialized'? How so, 'Kai?" Gojyo asked in confusion.

With a nod, Hakkai explained, "Yes, it simply appeared out of thin air, much as Kougaiji is able to when he wishes to do so. But somehow, I do not believe the creature that I was forced to destroy was sent by him. Kougaiji is far too noble for such a craven attack."

"That's for sure," Gojyo had to agree. "Plus, my bro wouldn't approve of something like that, but anyway, what else happened?"

Leaving the matter of Dokugakuji out of the conversation, Hakkai continued, "There is not much else to tell, really. The moment I saw that horrible beast towering above you and clearly planning to kill you, well, something inside me snapped and my memories returned. I don't recall all the details after that--I'd taken a pain pill earlier and even now it's still making me a little fuzzy--but I threw a ki-burst at the youkai, killing it readily enough."

Gojyo frowned thoughtfully before asking, "So, you think the blast was what tore up your hands? Ripped the bandages off, too, maybe?" 

With a small shrug, Hakkai replied, "I would assume as much. After that, I recall making my way to your side so I could apologize for being such a bastard to you and--"

Silencing his bedmate by placing a gentle finger against his lips, Gojyo quietly assured, "You weren't being a 'bastard' to me, baby. At the time, you just didn't have a clue what was what and I think I'd scared you by coming on too strong when I realized that you couldn't remember everything we had meant to each other."

Since he couldn't grasp the hand so near his face without causing himself pain, Hakkai merely stroked the back of his fingers against Gojyo's wrist before pulling back enough to say, "You are far too generous, Gojyo. I do not deserve your forgiveness quite so easily."

"Bullshit, 'Kai," Gojyo responded with a slightly sad smirk. Recollections of nights three years past arose in his mind, nights when he'd return to their apartment smelling of cheap perfume and sex, and then he added, "'Forgiveness' oughta be a two-way street and up until now, it's been mostly you forgiving me all the time. It's kinda nice to get to go in the other direction, don't you think?" 

"Perhaps," Hakkai replied noncommittally, then frowned slightly before commenting, "One thing that strikes me as odd is that I do not recall getting into bed with you. I killed the assassin, came over to speak to you, and then I collapsed. That's all I remember until I awoke a few moments ago."

"That's weird," Gojyo agreed before suggesting, "Maybe the monkey wandered by and helped us out?"

Hakkai wished to state that was highly doubtful, after all, Goku still believed them to be merely very close friends, but clarification was offered by the other occupant of the bed.

Hakuryu had been following the conversation closely and was happy to have gotten some of the information it had wanted, thus it was more than glad to use its head to point towards a forgotten pack of Marlboros and offer, "Kyu." The two youkai both stared at it in disbelief even as it turned its eyes towards something that Goku had left lying nearby and added a meaningful noise before bowing its head significantly.

"Oh my, how unexpected," Hakkai commented. He felt the barest touch of warmth in his cheeks as he asked, "Do you mean to say that yourself, Goku, *and* Sanzo were responsible for this arrangement, Hakuryu?" 

Nodding its head firmly and without apology, the dragon left the obvious unstated.

"Ain't *that* just a kick in the head?" Gojyo muttered in astonishment. Admiring the faintest of blushes gracing his partner's handsome face, he added nervously, "Um, but that kinda brings to mind something else, 'Kai."

"Truly?" Hakkai asked as he lightly touched the loosened bandage over the facial wound that had started to throb uncomfortably when he had blushed. 

"I, er, um, uh," the half-breed stammered, then blurted out in a headlong rush, "I kinda told Sanzo about you 'n me and I think he may be royally pissed about it and I dunno if Goku knows and, shit, I just couldn't handle it when I thought you'd never love me again or make love with me anymore and I kinda fell apart big time and that's when I decided to go get myself totally smashed and--"

The avalanche of words was brought to a halt by a gentle, relieved smile. Before Gojyo could ask why Hakkai wasn't angry about this since he'd always insisted on their circumspect behavior, the smile drew itself close to his own mouth and then pressed closer still to share a tender kiss.

When the brief, noninvasive kiss ended, Hakkai drew back fractionally and murmured, "please don't worry so, gojyo." His breath ghosted warmly across the half-breed's lips as he added in a whisper, "i had wondered how much longer we could maintain the façade of mere friendship between us. this may be all to the better in the long run."

Losing himself in luminous green eyes that were gazing at him with such loving regard, Gojyo whispered back, "but it should have been something we decided to do together, 'kai. it wasn't my place to blow our cover that way."

Letting a smile blossom once more and causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle in delight, Hakkai replied, "honestly, gojyo, you are more than welcome to make decisions like that anytime you wish to." 

Hakkai slipped his lover another light buss, then added in a normal tone of voice as he rested his head against Gojyo's neck tiredly, "I trust you completely in all things. Besides, you must have been in a state of extreme distress considering the horrible things I had said. If you felt you could turn to Sanzo of all people for support, then I am more than glad that you did so."

Amazed yet again by the man who claimed that his heart was one so small as to have no chinks in its armor, Gojyo decided to let the topic drop for the moment. Instead, he moved to run his fingers gently through messy brown hair, finger-combing it as he asked, "You're not feeling so hot right now, are you, sweetheart?" 

Surprised yet pleased to hear an endearment unheard since they'd left the farmhouse where they'd celebrated Gojyo's birthday so spectacularly, Hakkai sighed softly and admitted, "I am afraid that is indeed the case. I may have pulled some stitches loose in some of my wounds for that matter. I certainly have no regrets regarding my actions and am quite grateful for the end of the amnesia, but as I said before, I fear I did myself a bit of harm last night."

Continuing his gentle attention to his soulmate's hair and thereby comforting them both with the familiar act of tenderness, Gojyo replied, "I hope it's not as bad as all that, baby. In a bit, I'll go find old Lord Droopy Eyes and tell him we need a doctor up here again. Right now, though, I just want to lay here and look at you for awhile. Sorta holding you close like this is what I need to convince myself that this is real and not a dream that will vanish any minute now."

"All right, Gojyo," Hakkai agreed quietly.

Now that the crisis it had inadvertently touched off was over, Hakuryu felt safe to inquire if it might get out of the way of the two lovers. With quiet kyus, it nuzzled each man and when they gave it smiles of approval, it lifted off the bed with a few beats of its wings. Not strong enough to make the flight all the way to the empty bed, though, it chose to make a nest of the pillow and blanket that Goku had discarded nearby. 

Finally alone on the bed, Gojyo and Hakkai snuggled together as best they could considering the numerous wounds on the brunette's back that had begun to throb painfully now that the painkillers had worn off more. They would steal a few hours alone together before the redhead would go in search of medical assistance for his partner. 

Obviously, there were still some difficulties that the loving couple was going to have to work out, primarily those involving a certain gun-toting holy man who wasn't usually as tolerant as he had been lately, but these could all wait for later. This was a time for reconnecting and on a level they were unaware of, two others were celebrating as well. 

Despite being unable to "touch" as they could only in the moments of post-coital haze, Tenpou and Kenren were quietly delighting in being reunited. 

They hadn't suffered a fraction of what their current personifications had due to the relatively short period of estrangement. To the celestials who had endured a half-millennium of separation while in limbo and awaiting rebirth, a few days apart were nothing to them, yet it did make for a fine excuse to commune together as best they could. 

A third eternal spirit, that of a draconic military commander, was also celebrating in its own way. 

Reflecting on the fact that a return to the wheel of reincarnation didn't seem to be in his immediate future after all, Goujun quietly contemplated what else he could accomplish in his current asexual avatar. The solution that came to mind was a simple one, and with a yawn, Hakuryu slipped into a pleasant catnap. 

Throughout the turmoil of revelations, apologies, and acts of forgiveness, the sunshine that had been making its way cautiously into the room had continued. It now cloaked both youkai and dragon alike in a shimmering blanket of warmth and promise.

*****

To be concluded.

Please be advised: Chapters 5 and 6 will be posted together.

Posted: 15 November 2003 ~2:15am EST


	6. Beginning Anew

****

Title: Shattering [chapter 6/6]

Book 4 of the "Encounters Arc" 

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September - October, 2003

Rating: R 

Main Pairing: (Gojyo + Hakkai) 

Category: Dark! Yaoi, Angst, Romance, Blood. AU-OOC. Giftfic.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: dark! yaoi, high angst, tortured romance, bloodshed, coarse language as per the anime, and explicable though atypical characterization. AU-OOC. Giftfic for Jadesword.

Spoilers: This story is set after the events in episode 13 of the anime and therefore contains spoilers. 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; please do not sue me.

Notes: Can Gojyo help Hakkai overcome the shattering effects of a horrific incident or is he, too, doomed to fall apart as a result of divine interference?

*****

The middle of the afternoon of the twenty-sixth found Sanzo standing alone on the inn's front porch smoking a cigarette and watching the retreating form of the physician that had been called to attend to Hakkai. Overhead, a previously faultless blue sky was now adorned by high, wispy clouds that foretold a change in the weather. 

In the name of his own sanity, Sanzo had very deliberately chosen to stay away from the reunited lovers, rightly hoping that the two of them would sort through all the emotion-laden issues the last week or so of hellish events had left in their wake without an audience. Some conversations were best listened to and understood whereas others were best left an eternal mystery to all of those save the ones who shared them.

Blowing a gray ribbon of smoke from between slack lips, the priest contemplated how best to handle an important conversation that he needed to have with Gojyo and Hakkai. He considered whether to approach the discussion with his usual indifferent persona or whether the more honest side of himself which at least acknowledged the fact that he cared for his traveling companions on some level should come to the fore. 

A cool breeze suddenly blew down the street and caused Sanzo's robes to flare; the silken hem belled around his legs and distracted him from his contemplation for only a moment.

With a scowl of annoyance as his train of thought got back on track, he drew a harsh pull on his Marlboro and wondered aloud, "Since when do I need to actually plan ahead just to talk to these idiots?" Angrily blowing out the acrid smoke from his lungs, he spat, "Why couldn't the Sanbutusin set me up with some *normal* guys who wouldn't have brought along so much fucking emotional baggage?!" 

Without intending to even consider it, he vaguely recalled asking a similar question of the three godlings back before the journey had begun in August. 

The answer he had been given at the time addressed much needed strength that Sanzo had assumed was a reference to physical prowess, yet now he had begun to wonder if he had been wrong. Perhaps the mystical trio had intended to imply that the others brought an inner strength that would be imperative at some point and with that thought in mind, Sanzo extinguished his cigarette and went inside. 

Trudging up the stairs, he distantly wondered if Goku and Hakuryu were currently being useful or were merely being nuisances in the town's marketplace where construction efforts continued.

This thought led to another about the fact that at the rate things were going, the legacy of the explosion and subsequent fire would be a fairly positive one--if you ignored the somewhat high casualty rate, of course. New, sturdier buildings were replacing the old, haphazard food stalls and certain safety precautions were being added as work proceeded. 

Thanks to his strength and endurance, Goku's efforts had been highly prized by the construction teams and as a result, the Sanzo-ikkou had become quite popular with the townspeople. Even the seamstress who had been given the task of replacing Hakkai's destroyed clothing had gone the extra mile to replicate his green shirt, khaki pants, lavender sash, and forest green headband as precisely as possible because of this. The fact that Goku had helped repair her daughter and son-in-law's dim sum stand helped, too, naturally. 

When his sandal-clad feet reached the top of the stairs and then carried him to the overly familiar room whose door stood invitingly open, Sanzo could overhear a pair of familiar voices.

"It looks like it might rain soon, baby," Gojyo was saying. 

"Oh?" Hakkai answered, then added, "What makes you say that, Gojyo?"

"The clouds," Gojyo's reply seemed thoughtful and his words implied that he had something other than the weather on his mind. "They look like fish bones in the sky, and my bro always told me that meant rain was coming."

"Your brother was wise," Hakkai complimented a man he had only met a time or two without ever being given a chance to truly get to know him. Since it was clear that his lover felt a need to discuss Dokugakuji, someone he would have an opportunity to speak with at length in the months to come, Hakkai was about to say something further, yet he was denied the opportunity. 

Deliberately preventing what he assumed could be a long and overly touchy-feelly conversation, Sanzo simply stepped into the room without a knock at the door or other warning of his arrival. 

Before the slap of a sandal onto the wooden floor distracted them from it, both youkai had been looking out the window at the herringbone shaped clouds, but Hakkai immediately reacted to the newcomer by saying, "Ah, Sanzo, welcome. I am glad to finally get a chance to talk to you now that my memories have returned." 

Hakkai was reclining full length on his bed, carefully positioned to put as little strain as possible on his back and other areas that had been injured anew by the previous night's exertions. When Sanzo had arrived, he had an automatic wish to sit up and offer less vulnerable body language, but he knew that Gojyo would never tolerate such a thing. The doctor's orders had been explicit and the scarlet-eyed man intended to enforce them. 

Not apologizing for avoiding the wounded youkai until after a doctor could deal with him first, Sanzo snorted softly, then seated himself in a chair with all the regal authority of a king in the presence of his subjects. 

Moving to lean against the table near Hakkai's bed as if protecting the man lying there, Gojyo remarked, "Yeah, where ya been all day, ya lazy monk? I was pretty surprised that I had to get the monkey to go track down a doctor when I couldn't find you." The fact that Goku had done just that while taking their draconic companion with him went without saying. 

"Where I go and what I do is usually none of your stinking concern, asshole," Sanzo rejoined. "But if you really must know, I was trying to find a goddamned vet to take a look at Hakuryu. It's not healing the way it should and I want to know exactly why that is since I want to get the hell out of this flea-bitten burg ASAP."

Immediately concerned, Hakkai frowned and inquired, "Were you able to find one?" Whether or not even the most talented animal doctor could aid a creature born from a taboo blend of science and magic was unknown.

"No, I didn't," Sanzo answered with annoyance. "This town is just too small to have everything it needs. Everybody told me to take it to that city where the doctors all came from, but I'll be damned before I walk that far just for that." 

Nodding thoughtfully, Hakkai offered hesitantly, "Um, in that case, perhaps I ought to at least try to heal the poor thing with my powers. Maybe I could--" 

"No chance in *hell* am I going to let you do that, Hakkai!" Gojyo interrupted angrily. With a protective glare, he stated flatly, "It's going to take you enough time for your own injuries to heal as it is!"

Sticking the tip of his little finger into an ear in a meaningful gesture, Sanzo made it clear that he didn't want to hear any additional self-endangering nonsense even as he deliberately shifted his gaze away from the duo.

Appropriately chastened since even he himself knew it was a bad idea to divert any of his life energy from his own needs at that point, Hakkai murmured an apology and left it at that. 

Huffing once, Gojyo also agreed to drop the subject as his glare softened back to a more typical affectionate gaze for his now embarrassed partner. 

Deciding it was time to address greater issues, Sanzo reached into a deep sleeve-pocket, produced his pack of Marlboros, then wordlessly demanded a light. Following suit, Gojyo joined him and after lighting both cigarettes with his treasured silver-gilt lighter, he flashed Hakkai a smile that was returned albeit nervously.

After one or two slow drags on his cigarette, Sanzo opened the discussion that the three of them needed to have by asking, "So, what did the doctor say?" Glancing at blunt, unremarkable fingernails disinterestedly, he remarked, "There *is* a journey we need to get back to, you know."

"Ah, I fear that I had reopened several of the lines of sutures which the doctor had to reseal. He insisted that I remain on full bed rest for at least another day and travel is out of the question until three or four more days have elapsed beyond that," Hakkai said quietly. A hint of the pain left by the minor surgical procedures that had been performed shortly before the ill-tempered priest had arrived crossed his features as he averted his eyes and added, "I am terribly sorry, Sanzo."

Gazing at his lover with an expression of sympathy, Gojyo wanted to say something supportive, but Sanzo prevented him from doing so by asking acidly, "Oh? So you're sorry you saved the life of that good-for-nothing smartass standing next to you?" Piercing startled scarlet eyes with an amethyst glare that demanded noninterference, he added sarcastically, "And here I was under the impression that useless, half-breed slacker actually *meant* something to you. I guess I was wrong."

Spluttering angrily and not realizing that he was being led into a trap, Hakkai insisted, "Th-that's not what I meant at all, Sanzo!" Fury raged in emerald eyes as he insisted, "What I meant was that I am sorry for the delay, *not* that I am sorry for my actions! I would *never* regret or apologize for protecting Gojyo!" Forgetting his own words about taking it easy, he started to rise up and found a warm hand on his shoulder, lightly pushing him back down.

Gently making sure that his partner didn't cause himself additional pain, Gojyo remarked with a smirk, "I think ya just fell for one of blondie's tests, babe." Sliding his eyes towards the priest who was watching them closely, he added, "You don't fight fair, do ya, Sanzo?"

Shrugging insouciantly, Sanzo replied, "Why should I, moron? If I get the answers I want faster this way, there's no good reason to."

Calming only a fraction, Hakkai peered at both of the others from where his head rested upon a pillow once more and asked, "And what *kind* of answers are you seeking, Sanzo? I fear that I do not follow what you and Gojyo are saying at the moment."

Leaning forward on his chair and giving Hakkai a searching look, Sanzo explained, "I wanted to know if you were back to your old, predictable self or not, Hakkai. I really couldn't stand the cold bastard that I had to contend with for the last couple of days."

Verdant eyes blinked a time or two, and then Hakkai let go of his anger and sighed before saying, "I truly am sorry for that, too, Sanzo. I find it hard to believe that I changed so much simply because I had amnesia."

"It's okay, babe," Gojyo commented quietly. Successfully fighting the urge to run his fingers through silken brown hair that tempted him, he turned his attention to the blond and asked, "Well? What's the decision of the judge, jury, and executioner, oh mighty Sanzo-sama?"

Sniffing diffidently then leaning back in his chair, Sanzo took a puff on his cigarette before replying, "Other than missing that thrice-damned fake smile of his that gets on my nerves, I'd say this is the old Hakkai, kappa. But," he frowned, "that leads to another matter entirely."

"And what might that be?" Hakkai asked, rightfully fearing that one of the reasons this audience was being held without Goku and Hakuryu being present was that there were far more personal matters to address than had ever been discussed previously between the three of them.

After crushing his spent Marlboro in the nearby ashtray, Sanzo crossed his arms over his breastplate-clad chest and regarded them both for a moment before stating, "We need to talk about this 'relationship' of yours. I had hoped to just keep ignoring it for the rest of the time we're all stuck together, but I don't think that's an option at this point."

Gojyo looked guilty and Hakkai rather resembled a freshly landed bass as he gaped, then echoed, "'Ignoring', Sanzo? You mean to say…?"

Rolling his eyes in annoyance, Sanzo snapped, "Of *course* I've known that you two had been screwing each other, fools! From pretty much the minute the five of us began this accursed voyage of ours, I knew! I would've had to have been gelded, blind, and stupid not to realize it!" He graciously failed to point out why he believed that Goku had remained unaware of the elder pair of youkai's connection, that was a matter to be dealt with later. 

Hakkai felt a flash of warmth burning his skin even as Gojyo flushed slightly, too, while exclaiming, "No fucking way!"

Amethyst eyes narrowed insultingly, Sanzo riposted, "Yes fucking way! You may *think* you were subtle and all that, but you were far from it!"

"But… we…" Hakkai found that he could not get his words to flow once more. He had been caught completely off guard by this revelation and the rosy blush coloring his exposed cheek did not help matters much at all, but at least it distracted him from the growing discomfort from his newly repaired lines of stitches. 

Gesturing towards the bedridden man, Gojyo insisted, "'Kai's right, Sanzo, we've only really had a chance to make love *twice* on this damned 'field trip' of yours, so where you get off accusing us of 'screwing' each other all this time is beyond me!" 

Waving a hand in the air dismissively, Sanzo snorted, "Fine, fine, get technical on me, asshole, if it makes you feel better! However," he glared at them both and stated flatly, "now that it's out in the open, *I* am going to lay down the law on what happens from here on in! I will *not* allow the fact that you've both gone soft in the head about one another to interfere with the mission we're all on!" 

Gojyo's shocked expression said it all as he responded, "Huh?! I thought you were just upset that we had an ongoing sexual relationship and you don't. This is about more than *that*, Sanzo?" 

After letting the air in his lungs out in a noisy huff, Sanzo softened the glare down to just an annoyed gaze as he answered, "Brilliant deduction, Sherlock! Of *course* this is about the sex shit, but it's also about the freaking syrupy romance crap I've been exposed to in the last couple of days." 

Sanzo's eyes flickered over Hakkai's stunned expression briefly then went back to staring at Gojyo as he added, "I do not *ever* want to have to listen to either of you moaning like a lovesick teenager again, you got me? And, Gojyo, never, *ever* say anything again about wanting to die just because you two aren't getting along famously, understand?!"

This statement shocked Hakkai out of his trance-like condition enough to ask quietly, "Did you really say that, Gojyo? That you would rather be dead than be estranged from me?" 

Sparing a somewhat guilty glance for his partner reclining nearby, Gojyo nodded and admitted, "Yeah, baby, I'm afraid I did just that yesterday. Right after you told me off royally."

"Oh my," Hakkai replied softly. Forcing his eyes away from scarlet ones he loved to violet ones he was rather fearful of at the moment, he said, "Sanzo, I apologize again for the trouble I have caused you. What exactly would you like for Gojyo and myself to do to meet your demands?" 

"I'm glad to see at least *one* of you can think with your brain instead of your dick," Sanzo grumbled rudely. Then he stated with a nod towards Gojyo, "For one thing, I don't want to have to listen to all the annoying little pet names Don Juan over there has for you all the time!" 

Gojyo had the good sense not to argue and offered instead, "If that's what you want, that's what you'll get." Shooting a brief glance at Hakkai, he added, "But when we're alone, all bets are off, Sanzo. It'll be like it was before we rolled into this little town of horrors, okay?"

"Fine," Sanzo accepted the offer with a single nod. "Actually, I think basically *everything* needs to go back to the way it was a week ago. With one notable exception…" 

The human's words trailed off as he wrestled with a decision he had already made. What he was about to give the couple was something that he ordinarily would never have dreamed of, but after being an unwilling witness to the level of commitment that ran between them, he felt he had no choice. 

Curious green eyes peered at the priest whose apparent uncertainty ran counter to every word and action since his arrival in the room. Over the three years that he had known Sanzo, Hakkai had rarely seen him hesitate the way that he was now. Yet there was no easy way to help him get whatever he needed to say off his chest, or so the former teacher thought.

Gojyo, on the other hand, had no difficulty prompting the blond into explaining and asked, "And that might be what, Sanzo?" Shoving his hands into his pockets to conceal the twin fists that were threatening to form if his conjecture was correct, he warned, "You'd damned well better not be considering asking us to go all celibate or some shit like that! We're living, breathing *men* with needs and desires, so just forget it if you want us to--" 

Rising to his feet in a rush, Sanzo slammed a hand open-palmed onto the tabletop making a loud noise that interrupted Gojyo's impassioned plea. Then, shoulders tense as he turned away from them both, he growled in a low, pained voice, "I bloody well *know* that, you flame-haired idiot!" Glad he couldn't see their faces, he explained, "The 'notable exception' I was about to make is that from now on, when we end up somewhere that we can get separate rooms, I'll see to it you two can have a night alone once in awhile. What you do on nights like that, I do *not* want to know or hear about later!" 

Sanzo felt a certain level of satisfaction as he heard a soft gasp of surprise from Hakkai and a strange silence from Gojyo. 

Since he did not want to hear their expressions of gratitude for this amazingly generous offer, the sutra-bearer then whirled and turned back with an accusing forefinger extended towards them both as he warned, "And don't you *dare* ever get all disgustingly lovey-dovey when Goku is around! He still thinks you two are just ludicrously close 'best friends' and I want to keep it that way!" While reaching for his Marlboros once more before shaking one out negligently, he grumbled, "The longer he remains unaware of all this romantic bullshit, the better. I don't much feel like putting up with the fallout of his first crush on some damned bitch in some random village that we pass through."

Both youkai immediately wondered privately if Sanzo wasn't making a serious error in judgement to assume that their young friend would prefer the so-called fairer sex for a partner when that auspicious time came. Gojyo already had a sneaking suspicion that Goku was no more likely to select a girl for his first explorations of the world of intimacy than Sanzo would have been, but he knew better than to say so at this point. 

It was up to Hakkai to make the pact with the priest that Sanzo clearly wanted. With the best approximation of a bow that he could afford without rising, he promised, "We will see to it that we act no differently around Goku than we had previously, Sanzo. Also, on behalf of Gojyo and myself, thank you for offering us something to look forward to regarding occasional nights of privacy. I dare say that will make the rest of the journey much more palatable."

Gojyo crossed the short distance to ignite the cigarette that was now dangling from Sanzo's lips as he added, "Yeah, man, thanks a lot." As a tiny blue-white flame flickered into life atop his cherished lighter and was immediately put to use, he added, "I know it's not your style to give a shit about stuff like this, so I want you to know it means a lot to us."

"Hmph," Sanzo harrumphed around the cigarette clamped between his teeth and snarled, "Just see to it that this new arrangement makes the two of you easier to live with! Oh, and another thing…" He paused to take a deep, needy drag on his Marlboro.

"Yes?" Hakkai inquired apprehensively.

Blowing the smoke out in a hazy cloud, Sanzo cautioned sternly, "If you two ever even *consider* a messy breakup or divorce or whatever the hell it would be and thereby screw up this mission again, rest assured I will indeed kill you with my own two hands! I'd sooner send you *both* straight to hell than put up with this crap again!" 

Relaxing slightly now that they were on a topic of which he was quite confident, Hakkai smiled as he locked gazes with Gojyo. The corners of his eyes crinkled warmly and that was all the promise that he needed to make. 

Gojyo's wordless vow was a slightly different one in that he was suddenly somewhat shy, yet that melted away instantaneously as his own words from the prior afternoon came back to him. The idea of sharing a home and a family of sorts with Hakkai someday far in the future brought a tightness to his chest that was not at all uncomfortable. 

Offering his own smile of promise and an uplifted thumb to indicate victory was already assured in this arena if in none other, the half-breed pledged, "No worries, Sanzo. There ain't nothing or nobody going to come between us again. Not ever." 

His own overconfident, brash words were easy for Gojyo to believe in. Then again, he couldn't even imagine what might happen when the Sanzo-ikkou would find itself arriving in a town which still sacrificed maidens to power-hungry youkai that were less discriminating sexually than anticipated. 

"Good," Sanzo snapped, then changed the topic entirely by stating flatly, "I've had more than enough of this heart-to-heart crap. I need a good strong drink to wash the taste of all this romance garbage out of my mouth." Scowling at the contents of his half-empty pack of Marlboros as if it was the cigarettes' fault that he had been very nearly chain-smoking lately due to stress, he added, "Where did you get that mead yesterday, kappa?"

Accepting the shift gracefully, Gojyo pulled out his hi-lites and joined Sanzo in a smoke as he replied, "It's hard to tell you how to get there, this town's roads are for shit. But if 'K--," he cut himself off when he remembered the promise to avoid pet names, "um, I mean, if Hakkai doesn't mind being on his own for a bit, I'll go get you a jug."

"I do not mind at all, Gojyo," Hakkai said with a small sigh, then admitted, "I am actually in a fair bit of pain following the doctor's repairs to my injuries and a short rest would no doubt do me some good." He incorrectly assumed that Sanzo would be accompanying Gojyo and was surprised when the blond reached into a deep sleeve-pocket and withdrew the infamous gold card which he negligently tossed at Gojyo before seating himself once more.

"Um…?" Gojyo expressed his own confusion as Sanzo pulled a newspaper from the same depths that had produced the Sanbutusin's debit card. Next came the blond's reading glasses which he perched on the end of his nose seemingly without regard for those in the room with him.

Glancing over the top rims of his glasses, Sanzo countered by asking, "Did you assume Kougaiji had only one assassin to send here, baka? *I* seriously doubt it and I've put too much effort into all of this to give them another shot at a sleeping target."

"Oh," was all that Gojyo could find to say.

Amethyst eyes rolled skywards even as Hakkai mentioned, "Gojyo and I are fairly certain that the youkai that I killed last night was not one of Kougaiji's men, Sanzo." Biting back a small wince as he shifted uncomfortably on the bed, he added, "The tattoos he bore seemed to imply he owed allegiance to someone else."

Sanzo arched a thin, golden eyebrow in curiosity, yet merely shrugged and said, "I couldn't care less who the hell sent him. I just don't intend to give whoever the fuck it was another easy shot at any of us, that's all."

Gojyo nodded thoughtfully before remarking, "Goku and me will plan on switching off on some guard duty starting tonight then, Sanzo." Turning away from that dark topic and focusing on one that was considerably brighter, he asked, "Say, Hakkai? You need a pain pill or anything before I head out? You look a little trashed at the moment, dude."

Hakkai was going to refuse, but there was a pleading look in scarlet orbs that he wouldn't wish to disappoint, so instead he asked, "Can they be cut in half perhaps? I do not wish to sleep until tomorrow without interruption and I fear the full dosage might cause me to do just that at the moment."

"Sure, babe," Gojyo replied automatically, then winced as he realized his error. To his surprise, however, no paper fan assaulted the back of his head, and a quick glance over his shoulder assured him that despite the small tic in his cheek, Sanzo wasn't as angry over the slip of the tongue as he might have been. 

Without risking further mistakes, Gojyo selected one of the tiny white pills, broke it in two, then crouched down to give his lover one half-moon of the medicine before offering a sip of water from a glass he had filled earlier. 

The rustling noise of a newspaper being used to shield eyes from a scene they wished to ignore assured Hakkai that they were not being watched as he swallowed the medicine and then said quietly, "Thank you, Gojyo." Gentle fingertips threaded through his hair for barely a moment and then he added in the barest of whispers, "thank you… for everything."

The half-breed offered a demi-smile as he replied in an equally soft tone, "i'm not the one to thank at this point, 'kai. but let's worry about that later, okay?"

A small nod was all Hakkai could manage and then Gojyo was rising and rearranging covers so his treasured partner could rest more comfortably. The half-breed also gently removed Hakkai's monocle and carefully tucked it into the little leather case that awaited it on the bedside table. 

Giving Hakkai a wink of farewell, he strode towards the blond who was still studiously ignoring them and said, "I'll go fetch you some mead now, Sanzo. Want me to pick up a monkey and a dragon on my way back? It'll be dinnertime for the zoo animals soon and all."

With a snort, Sanzo muttered, "'Zoo', kappa? This is more like a damned circus than a fucking zoo!" Glancing at the window and noting that ominous, gunmetal gray clouds were slowly darkening the previously cheerful, azure sky, he scowled and grumbled, "Yes, round those two up as well as some dinner for us all. Rain's coming and I don't feel like getting soaked just to get something to eat." 

Flicking a glance of his own out the window and seeing that his own prediction from earlier appeared to be coming true, Gojyo nodded to himself and was about to say something to Hakkai about the impending change in the weather. But the brunette was lost in a deep yawn and that sight was sweet enough to erase his concerns. 

Deliberately putting a jaunty smirk on his lips, Gojyo sauntered towards the doorway saying, "You got it, Sanzo! Be back in three shakes with all that and more!" He waggled the gold card back and forth between two fingers merrily as he vanished from sight.

Violet eyes narrowed in annoyance, Sanzo bit back an automatic warning not to overspend. Choosing instead only to harrumph to himself and go back to reading the newspaper, he tried not to think too deeply on all that had just occurred.

Across the room, a pair of sleepy emerald eyes drifted closed. Hakkai was certainly not uncomfortable with being alone in Sanzo's presence now that he had his memory back and he could recall their shared history. 

In fact, it was comforting to know that Sanzo was watching over him much as he had in a cave the day that Chin Iisou had attempted to deprive Hakkai of his sanity. An irritable, easily annoyed blond guardian angel of sorts was not necessarily a bad thing at all. 

A random thought forced itself into Hakkai's awareness despite slumber's seductive call which was enhanced by the sedating medication already entering his bloodstream. Dragging his eyes open once more, he peered at Sanzo for a moment as he wondered to himself if he was right in thinking that it was almost the man's birthday. Not that the typically aloof priest would particularly want to celebrate the occasion, but a certain umber-haired youth would not want to let it pass unheralded. 

After this, relative quiet flowed over the room and would remain until the noisy return of the other three members of their group. 

*****

Far away, on a plane that defies description, an eternal beauty was observing her pawns and nodding with satisfaction. Even though events had not played themselves out the way that she had planned initially, Kanzeon bosatsu was far from displeased with the end result of a fairly insignificant loss of human life. 

Her weapons had indeed been tempered by the horrors inflicted upon them and that was what she had hoped for. There were now stronger interpersonal bonds than had been present previously between not only the lovers, but also the others, as well. 

Hakkai and Gojyo--two names she often forgot and substituted Tenpou and Kenren automatically--had made an even deeper commitment to one another than they had shared before this latest trial. Kanzeon bosatsu frowned a little as she pondered this, however. Since they could not foresee the future and she could to one extent or another, she was aware that other significant tests of their fortitude awaited them farther to the west. She couldn't help wondering if they were now strong enough to overcome those challenges or not.

Brushing that dark thought aside, she considered Goku instead. 

With a throaty chuckle, she shook her head and sent cascades of thick, dark hair into motion even as she admitted to herself that the earth spirit had not changed much other than becoming slightly more attached to Hakuryu. Not that this was a negative change by any means, it just was not something she had anticipated. Rather, she had hoped that the boy might open his eyes to the truth about two of his friends, but perhaps he simply was not ready to do so yet. 

Perhaps her greatest satisfaction came from the way Sanzo had been forced to not only face but also come to grips with the relationship the elder pair of youkai shared. He was not yet fully in tune with his own humanity, though, so there was still room for improvement in that area. Not that it was an urgent matter by any means, not until a certain immortal with haunting, mismatched eyes appeared would that particular issue need to be addressed.

With a final nod of her head, Kanzeon bosatsu turned her attention away from the Sanzo-ikkou and let fate resume its course. What awaited them all as November gave way to December was something she was not in the mood to consider and was not entirely sure she wanted to interfere with anyway.

After all, this band of misfits and aliens amongst their own kinds had not shattered neither had they splintered. Rather, like a fractured bone that is stronger after healing than it was prior to breaking, they had become more resilient and thereby more powerful. 

It was a power that they were undoubtedly going to need every last bit of before year's end.

~OWARI~ 

Author's Notes:

[1] As per the indicia, this tale of tragedy and redemption is a birthday gift for the talented Jadesword who turned 21 this year. To the best of my knowledge, this present was a complete surprise for her and I hope she lets me know if she enjoyed it.

[2] Regarding potential sequels to this story and thereby additions to the arc, I'm not quite sure what to say. Several different stories have been foreshadowed that have yet to be given so much as an outline, but as of now, any new tales within this continuity are uncertain for a variety of reasons. Uplifting feedback and positive reviews will no doubt make all the difference as to whether or not additional lemons or other fics in this arc are ever created. 

[3] Melpomene, my angst muse, is responsible for this story for the most part, but she obviously had a helping hand from Erato, my romance and lemon muse. Calliope, my muse of arcs and epics, had a delicate hand in matters, too. Sadly, Thalia, my humor muse, remains absent and unaccounted for at this time. 

[4] News regarding fanfiction, anime, manga, and more can be found on my page at LiveJournal.com. Look for username "e_sama" to find out what my muses are doing and to see if the stories that interest you most are either under construction or are even being considered. 

Posted: 15 November 2003 ~2:15am EST


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